prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2001-11-17 - 10:37 a.m.
deargod, what is wrong with me?
I am consumed by gnawing paranoid thoughts of how little you really cared.
Why do I torture myself so much?
Everytime I dream of you, you find more ways to reject me. Sometimes I dream that I am suddenly in your room, uncluttered and all white, with open wide spaces that I want to fill, and then I hear you rustling down the hall. I know you are coming closer, and I panic. I am afraid for you to find me in your room, afraid of how you will react, afraid of angering you or of seeing the look of unhappiness upon your face, because of the trouble caused by my very *inconvenient* existence.
Sometimes in the dream, you appear and act somewhat surprised but calm at seeing me, then you make an excuse and run away.
I pretend to be understanding, swallowing your lame excuses, a gracious loser. I make it easy for you to get away from me, because I feel
so
sick
at the idea that you don't want to be near me. *me* the one who loved you so ~softly~.
I can not believe that even in my dreams, you reject me, I must hate myself more than you ever could.
ohgodohgodohgodohgod
I have no comfort. no sacred moment where I can allow myself to indulge in a sheltering thought of you ever looking at me with that same glimmer of intensity, as when you *k i s s e d* me for the first/last time.
old starlight - new starbright
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