prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-01-06 - 1:37 p.m.
Sometimes I wish that I was fluent in other languages, so that I could slip into a world, that did not contain any of the hurtful spoken things, that you once said to me.
Like the time, in a moment of fitful anger,you hissed
" You are EASILY forgotten " and slammed down the phone.
What got to me, was that you knew me ~so~ well, enough to know the devastation such a sentence would cause me. And you left me alone, to ruminate on it, for hours and days. You sliced me and tore at the very heart of my insecurities. You alone, and only you, knew that my biggest fear in this world, was to be forgotten. For if noone remembers you, then did you ever really even exist? and I know that even if people remember you, someday they too shall be gone, but all I ever really wanted was to be remembered, ~softly~ by you. I wanted you to be the guardian of my memory. I wanted to be precious to you, and remembered in colours and sounds.
You always thought of me, when you saw pastel wildflowers, and lazy spotted cows grazing in the meadow. You thought of me, when you heard the CURE playing on the radio, and when someone ate chocolate mints at the cinema. You thought of me, when you smelled floral scented lotions, and drove past dogs frolicing, in the park. You thought of me, when you saw crayons at K mart and women, on there way to church, in silly frillyhats. You thought of me, that day you found the turtle in the road, and called , to tell me that you stopped your truck to move it safely to the other side of the road, because you know that is what I would have done. You thought of me, when you saw tiny baby veal calves cruelly chained to doghouses, to guarentee that they can not move and ensure that there slaughtered meat, remains savoury and tender. You swore you would never eat veal again. You bought me a beautiful live calf, and togther we named him Beauvine. You promised me you would keep him in the wildflower meadow, for always. Keep him safe, for all days. But, you said I was easily forgotten, and months later, I sent you white roses on our shared birthday, as a way to say " I wish you bliss, I wish you peace, I wish you happiness, always " and you called and told me that you hated me and never,ever wanted to hear from me again.
At the time, I was devastated, I did not begin to comprehend how or why you could possibly hate me, I never did ~anything~ to deserve such cruelness. But now I understand, I realize, that it was never *me* that you hated, you hated the fact that you never did forgot me, and it was not as easy as you thought, and you hated me for still rememebering you and for finding forgiveness in my heart for you, and you hated me because I was always pure and kind, and you were closed and dark, and you tried so hard to change, and be light, but it was just too hard, for you. The devil does what the devil knows. And you hated me for remaining the same, and hated yourself for being unable to change. You hated me, because I held onto love. Because always is always in my heart. and never was never in yours. you never loved me. you never forgot me. and you hated me most, because you never forgot.
and I know we will never cross paths again, and never will there ever be any more spoken words between us, but you can no longer hurt me, with your legacy of pain.
I know you do not care, but I forgive you anyway. The greatest releasal we can ever have, is to forgive those who have hurt us. I am no longer chained to the pain. I will be free from those words. Free from the mark of your inability to love.
so, you see. I do wish you peace. and I know you wish you never met me, but somewhere in your heart, I took root. I showed you the wildflowers in the meadow, and taught you that there are other coulors in the world besides grey. and you may not choose to remember me, but it will be pretty damn hard to forget the colours of a pink ribboned sunset, enblazened against a meadow of wildflowers, in the haze of our shared birthday.
Alas, there can be no more hate between us, because I took mine away. And the star that I named after you, burned up and crashed,a long time ago but for one fleeting moment it shone brighter than all the others stars in the infinite universe. And, if you ask me, you can't ask for a better blaze of glory than that.
P.S. I hope you kept your promise to Beau. He was the only perfect thing between us.
old starlight - new starbright
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