prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-01-13 - 5:56 p.m.
Today, just like in Cure's Plainsong, the " wind was blowing like it was the end of the world"
I felt it come rushing up the stairs, and roll under my bedroom door. Like a cat, it brushed friskily, against my ankle, as it made it's prescence known. It rustled,and swirled twice and then it disappeared.
Where did it go? I do not know, but it must have returned outside, for I could hear it howling and lashing, angrily, against the rattling windows.
I had to go outside into this windy day, and I feared it's wrath. I wore the navy angora cape, that I bought in London, and when I stepped outside, the cape blew up into wings, making me look like the flying nun. Not exactly a good look, for me, I can assure you!
Really, I just needed to go to the mall and run a few errands. and shop. I shop from boredom. I shop because I have nothing else to do. And lately, the sad truth is, whenever I drive alone in my car, the songs on the radio make me cry. This can't be healthy. ColdPlay's "Yellow" started to play, and suddenly I had tiny tears cascading out of my eyes.
I am ensnared in a silk web, that I spun for myself. It is a web of safety, but it has also trapped me. Suddenly I am no longer the spider. I have become the fly.
Everyone grew up and moved away. Married. Paired off or Came out of the closet. Procreated and became Home Owners.
what about me? oh yeah, I own a nifty wine bottle opener and have a beautiful orchid and a lovely dog. ( anyone wanna throw in a years supply of turtle wax so then I can ~really~ be a total mockery ?)
I added up all the numbers, and my sum total is one.
Party of one.
Girl alone.
Girl afraid
Girl bored.
and the sad thing is, all the people who ask you, every day " hi, how are you?" in that vaguely cheery way, do not actually want to hear the *real* truth about you. They do not want to listen to how you feel like you are lying in the bottom of an ocean, how you are so impenetrable,and alone, that you do not even like to be around people anymore. They only want to hear " I am fine, how are you? And somehow, even with their good intentions, they just leave you feeling more alone. and this isn't what I wanted at all, when I spun the silk web.
but what am I supposed to do? How do you go Up from Down soooooooo low?
Happiness seems like a desperate illusion. They say that the secret of happiness is to always have something to look forward too. Well,I can't see anything ahead. I feel like I am driving at night, in the fog, and I have my brights on, but I can't see past the front of the car, and the only way I can stay on the road, is to stare at the yellow line, and follow it. I am following the yellow line. I can't look up. I can't see far ahead. I have to keep my eyes desperately fixed on that yellow line.
and the only honest relationship I have, is with my ever faithful dog. I do not have to lie to him. and tell him that I am " great". He loves me blindly. He comes to me, whether I am in tears or laughing. He lays at my feet, and is content to just be with me, in total silence. If I get up, so does he. Wherever I go, he wants to follow. I guess I am his yellow line. But he is not worried about what is around the next corner.
Suddenly, I have never wanted anything more in my life, than to just ~be a dog ~
how else am I going to get rid of all this choking fear and anxiety and god damn lonliness?
and, really, I know that none of this is right. I just don't know what else to do.
somehow, the butterfly that became a spider, has now become a fly, who dreams of being a dog.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Look at the stars,
Look how they shine for you,
And everything you do,
Yeah, they were all yellow.
I came along,
I wrote a song for you,
And all the things you do,
And it was called "Yellow."
* "It's true, look how they shine for you,
And all the things that you do. " ~coldplay
old starlight - new starbright
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