prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-01-31 - 1:58 p.m.
I watched a movie on t.v. the other night, called Wit, about a woman, with ovarian cancer. The elegant Emma Thompson, played this challenging role with tremendous humanity, aching vulnerability and ethereal beauty. She transcended a fine balance of despair and tranquility, which radiated gorgeously from her soulful ghost white face.
In the film, she is bedridden, and bald, and uses her lashless eyes to convey her emotions and "speak" most of her end scene silence. There is this one line in the film which is still haunting me. She is talking to her nurse, a compassionate African American who becomes her fierce protector and gentle caretaker, about her life, before this happened to her. She is speaking about her life, in the past tense already, and refers to her life outside the blinding white Hospital walls, as
" when I had shoes".
When I had shoes.
As in, when I had shoes, I was free. When I wore shoes, my feet were ready to carry me anywhere. When I wore shoes, the whole world was open to me. When you have shoes, you have places to go, and the means necesscary to get there. You don't even need money in your pocket, if you have shoes, you can walk there. If you have shoes, you can visit a city Museum, and view some of the most stunning works of art in the world. When You have shoes, you can meander through the parks, and quietly watch all the people who are passing you by, wonder who they are, and entertain yourself, by imagining their life story. When you have shoes, you can sit on a park bench in the middle of a pulsing cityscape and decide where you want your feet to take you next. When you have shoes, you can go to the airport and fly to Bali, bringing a suitcase full of more shoes. You can hike through the woods, you can dance on a pier, you can leave them on a soft towel, on the beach, while you swim in a tropical green ocean. When you have shoes, you can go shopping in busy suburban gallery malls and people filled high streets, staring into glossy windows, and then, if you so wish, you can *even* buy more shoes. You can sleep in your room, in a swan shaped bed, not far from all of your beautiful shoes resting in there little shoe box houses, that are lined up in neat, orderly matching little rows.
When you have shoes, you have places to go. When you wake up, you can spend along time, deciding which outfit to choose, because sometimes it is all about which shoes you are going to be wearing. When you have shoes, you have the promise of another day and the freedom to go places.
and it must be so very sad and defeating, to be in a sterile world, and know, that they have taken your shoes away. No shoes, no service. No shoes, no hope. How heartbreakingly sad and undignifying that must be.
and you know what is really ironic? I am always barefoot. but that is because noone has ever taken my shoes away. Don't EVER TRY IT. I will never surrender my shoes! Prop me up in my bed, I am going to wear a feathered hat, and a pink gown, with matching shoes. I am not dying without my shoes near me. I want lots of unsensible shoes, under the bed. I never want to live my life, without shoes. Promise me, that I will never have to. Promise me, this one small thing. have you seen my shoes? I have places to go. I have places to go.
old starlight - new starbright
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