she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

blustarswendy3

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2002-02-09 - 12:09 p.m.

Reading over my diary, I find a penetrating veil of sadness and self pity angst, lingering in all of my words. And I wonder if this is entirely true or if it is just me being dramatic and self consumed. Actually, I know that I am self consumed. It is very obvious. but I am not sure that it is by choice. I wish I had other things to focus on.

but i don't. so, hence everything is always all about me.

and why, I wonder, am I so full of contrasts?

If you knew me, you would understand better, that who I am here, in these words is not a full 3 dimensional representation of me. Although, it is all true. It is just a part of My bigger truths. The sum of one. The whole/hole that is me. and I am just so not who you think I am, and yet, I am exactly that. These words here, are the more real part of me, these words are the voice inside my head. My internal dialogue, if you will.

but, to know me, is to think that I am sweet. and Kind. and funny. yes, FUNNY! for my witty sarcastic comments, dramatic storytelling, with exact mimicking and dialect of the person I am telling the story about, and my wicked wicked double and triple entendres. I am the loudest one, the one who laughs the longest, the attention seeker. Often I am told that I am the funniest person, that someone has ever met. and told that I should have my own t.v. show. imagine that, me AMUSING? I bet you would never believe it.

and I am always on a diet. Because everyone knows that is the answer to all of life's problems. to be thinner = passionate love, multiple riches and eternal happiness and the seething envy of the other 51 % more rotund poplulation. But I can not commit to anything, least of all, eternal happiness. I end up rationalizing the brownie into my mouth, and muttering to myself " oh well, so what if I die alone, that was inevitable,anyway, and why should a perfectly delicious and innocent pastry go to waste?"

C'est tragique! I used to love pink. I still do. I am a feathery boa glittery kind of girl at heart. Yet, when you see me, I am tall and solid. Probably the tallest girl you know. and I wear heels sometimes. and yet, inside I am delicate. I am soft. I am no lumberjack. But I am strong. but noone thinks of me in that way. One of my friends is moving and I offered to come and help her move all her stuff, and she quickly responded by saying, " oh no, Wendy. I don't want you to get all dirty.I wouldn't dream of asking you to help, but tell you what, you can come and be my first houseguest!!!!" She was not being sarcastic. She just really truly does not see me as the sweating, grunting, moving kind of friend, who would swill back a few gritty beers and greasy pizza afterwards. But I soooooo would have. I might have worn a skirt, and glittery Tony and tina eye makeup, but, most assuredly, I can lift a T.V. and ok, maybe I can NOT hook it up to the V.C.R. but I can Feng Shui the master bedroom !!!

alas, my one true talent, is that I can spend money. This is my downfall. I have about 100 scarves. and 50 perfumes. and more handbags than I care to admit and you don't even want to know about my silk nightgown/lingerie collection, that I am now infamous for. My close friends who have been to my house, tease me endlessly about it. and the sad thing is, I may own the largest lingerie collection on the east coast, but it is all for naught. It hangs in my bathroom, on hopeful hooks, little dusty ghosts of a time that will never come again.

and now I wear black alot. so much so, that a seven year old recently commented on it, and asked " Wendy, why do you wear such sad clothes?"

what happened to my colours? they bled together, into the drabness that I have become. and I do not laugh so much anymore. and Is it a lie when you tell people, that you know really do not care how you are ,that you are "fine" when they pavlovian'ly ask you how you are

so, now all I do is take long bubble baths, enveloped in soft layers of honeysuckle scented water, laying like a beached mermaid on my stomach, with my cheek against the smooth white porcelin tile,the perfumed water licking my face, and it feels slippery and

sensual, like a seeking kiss. and I close my eyes, and try to pretend that this is not, what my life has become.

old starlight - new starbright

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