prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-04-02 - 9:04 p.m.
I want to pull back the covers, peel off the layers, and wash myself clean again. I opened my eyes. I opened my eyes wide and for once turned on the lights. I saw the scar. I saw the scar. I lifted my shirt and did not avert my eyes. I can see it, wide as a sliver of moon, viewed from 12 billion miles away . I am so unpretty. I am so unpretty and scarred. It is under my arm. a little pink crescent. moon. lump.
a lump under my arm. and I just close my eyes, and look away. I feel it, raised and pulpy, my fingers tracing the edges hesitantly like it is a braille note bearing bad news. I try to push it back beneath the surface from whence it came. It will not retreat. a white lily that will not sink. It does not hurt so much anymore. I wonder with vague detachment if thousands of cancerous cells are multiplying beneath my skin. inside my body. conspiring against me. and I feel so disconnected from it all. because i never told it to grow. never asked for it to come. so please, just go away, please please just go away. cause I can not deal with this right now.
be careful what you wish for. be careful what you wish for. be careful what you wish for. be careful what you wish for. be careful what you wish for. be careful what you wish. be careful what you. wish. for.
old starlight - new starbright
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