prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-08-22 - 11:08 a.m.
there was this space in time, when you went away, and my life had so much silence, that I did not begin to know how to fill the gap. I realized, that aside from missing you, I missed me. I missed the soft kind girl I used to be. Solitude forces you to exist as only a voice in your head, and my voice is wearing me thin. I began writing you letters, tucking them into my bottom drawer. A collection of my life, simple glimpses of ordinariness, shades of muted pale, shades of simple me. I missed you so much, but especially sharing the tales of my day, with you. It became so acutely painful at night, to close the curtains on my day, without having anyone to whisper goodnight to.
it was then that I noticed the moon. How he watched me from a safe distance and with a certain paternal protectiveness. He comes in stages, and sometimes he comes not at all, hidden by the black clouds. Yet I always know, in my heart, that he is ever present.
He became the guardian of my secrets. When we were apart, you would try to comfort me by saying that we shared the same sky at night, but now I have claimed the moon as my own.
You can have the burning sun, just leave me the moon and stars. We were both Leos, competitive to the core. but that has all changed now. We have tranformed.
I lost myself in you, because I gave you, so much of who I once used to be. I am much more guarded now, closed in, like a white lily in the snow. I hope you are more open, I hope we transfused your bitter rage. You always said that I made you a better person. Please let that be true. Please god, let that be the outcome of such pain. let me have helped you become a gentler soul, because the whole thing made me so much worse. I want there to be positive, I want there to be light. How else can I dwell in these haunted shadows, without the prescence of light?
You can have your days, beautiful boy, just leave me the night.
The pendant, you had made for me, sleeps in the same drawer, hidden from the world. I remember so vividly that perfet Autumn day in Paris, when the old, shuffling French man, pressed it into my palm. In broken english, he said that it was a gift from him to me. he said I was so golden, like an Angel of le Soleil but with a sadness he wanted to make disappear, if only he was 50 years younger. He called me tristesse cheri. Perhaps he could see into the future. I laughed at him, and thanked him for the coin. It was an exquisite gilded coin, twined in gold, with a silver center. A ten franc coin, celebrating the liberte de France. I treasured it, this gift like a beautiful echo that became my token to you and somehow returned to me as a stunning jewel. When I gave it to you as a good luck coin, I told you, I hoped that it would carry you many extraordinary places. I pressed it into your palm, and closed your hand, covering it with the soft touch of mine. Normally you were so closed and guarded, but in this beautifully framed moment, you had tears in your eyes. It was our gift of the magi. I whispered to you, that I had once wanted to have it made into a pendant, but that now, more than anything, I wanted you to have it for good luck
Like love, it came back to me, elaborately wrapped up, and laced with a dream of always.
I wore it for a long time after you were gone. It was my talisman of you, my testimony to grief and truth. There was sincerity in the lining of my veins, When I said that I loved you.
but, life is not a binding contract, blood and tears alone,are simply not enough.
I burnt the letters, so many moons ago. But could never get rid of the pendant, even though it has become a tainted jewel. unique and beautiful, entwined with symbolism and stained by the disillusion of our hearts. No longer of any real worth. But priceless somehow, just the same. It saddens me to think just how meaningless it would be to anyone who encountered it, in the event of an estate sale of my life, long after I am gone. Noone will ever know, the secrets of the pendant. The tangled up hours, clasping one another in the heat of summer gone by, the pendant hanging low between us, your kiss on the surface, the gold chain strung in my mouth,and oh the way it heaved against us, with every palpitation of my chest,your every breath rising into me,as I race to meet you halfway.The heat of our skin melting and reshaping the coin in the fiery blaze of passion, and cooling us with the icy cold smoothness of it's silver center.
I was going to toss it into the Irish sea, fling it from the cliffs of Moher. Let it sleep softly in the belly of a sunken ship. but as I stood on the swirling bluegreen precipice wrapped in mohair and mist, I could not bring myself to let go. We may not belong to one another, but the pendant belongs to us.
So, keep your precious sun.
and I will keep our silver gold moon, forever eclipsing the sadness that drips between us.
~love, your tristesse.
old starlight - new starbright
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