prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-11-17 - 6:31 p.m.
you are so tangible to me, that I can hear you calling out, from the other side of here. You have a face, and a name, and eyes of bluefadedintogreen that I could curl up inside of, forever. Somehow you are a memory I have taken with me, from the unknown space of whence we all came.
I dream you, but it is not enough to make you any more real. I have broken all of my promises to you, but mostly to myself. I am aware of the many mistakes that I have made, and yet I remain unable to stop. It seems that I can dig myself into hell, but I am incapable of digging my way out. Oblivion is closer than the hope of a thousand tomorrows.
Tonight, I drove in the rain, watching the pale greyness of the sky burn like paper into a vista of consuming black. I fell into a spell of catching raindrops across my windshield, lulled by the rhythmic humming of unrelenting windshield wipers. For a moment, I thought that there was an old familiar song on the radio, but it was just the sounds inside my head.
At some point, I spoke to you. Wondered where you were. in the instant of now. I thought I could somehow feel you, but it hurt so much more than it should. You are still much, much, much to far away.
Last night, I saw you in the glimpse of my 2 year old niece. It happened when I opened the car door, to lean over and kiss her goodbye. The mischievous sparkle, of her cherubic face gleeming with love and beauty flashed through my soul, with a shiver that resonates still. It was as if someone had scooped out my heart and carved it into a small child.
and all I kept thinking, was
"This could have been your baby. This could have been your home. This is the little shining face that you have not brought into the world."
Not from lack of wanting, I assure you. More from fear of existing, myself. Disbelieving in time gone by. Unable to collect the bad debts of my foolish heart.
I am not certain of much, but I do know this. I may have lost hope, but I still have loved the glimpses of you, in every puppy's kiss, in every falling leaf, in every swan's wake across a moonlit pond, in every springtime tulip, in the bottom of every crystal cut glass, in the glimmer of sunlight on carribean blue waves, in the scent of peppermint and lavender fields and in every falling snowflake.
You are so much a part of me, that I find myself deeply unable to let go. So, I will continue to carry you tucked safely inside my chest, in that soft smooth place where my hands come to rest. For, every night, as I fall gently into sleep, I am clutching the nest of a secret angel deep within the core of my maternal soul.
old starlight - new starbright
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