prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2003-08-24 - 6:39 p.m.
I sometimes feel like there is some dark unseen force holding me in place, spinning me in grey circles of cruel gravity, so that I do not free float away. I dream endlessly of drowning. last night,in my dream, I was tiny like a grain of sand, and sailing in a paper thin boat, made from the dried skin of a bannana tree leaf. I was afraid, when I saw a huge Cruise ship nearby, that was sinking, because I knew that when it went down, like the Titanic , that the whirlpool pull of the sinking ship, would suck me in. and swallow me whole. I saw another boat of tiny people like me, but they were already drowned, like ants, submerged underwater, and floating in there bananna tree leaf boat. I could feel the urgency to paddle, which was my only real hope of escape but I did not have oars. So i tried to fly instead. but flying seemed ludicrous. so instead, I spun in circles of futility and eventually made it to a shelf of abandoned houses, built upon water, It kind of looked like venice.
a small, slightly deformed boy, lived in one of the canal houses. and he said that I could be his friend, but that noone could know that I existed because, really i didn't. he told me that i was to be his imaginary friend.. So i lived in his room, and hid under his bed, whenever he left.
none of this makes any sense, except for the obvious psychological and symbolic effects that reveal me feeling lost and frightened and vulnerable and abandoned.
note to self. never resign from your job. before you have thought it through. even though. it was the right thing to do.
and this morning. i realized. my life is stitched with random fleeting moments, of impetuous happiness. of the unraveling kind. I can't connect them in any real way, to spin a tapestry of any real sort. all i have is a bunch of tangled up threads.
someone-( anyone?) please (paint me) ( press me) (gather me) (sculpt me) ( script me) ( weave me) ( hold me) in place. i am disappearing. faster than i can finish these words............
P.s. all i can think about is going for a midnight ride on the back of your heart stopping, unbelieveably fast motorcycle, pulsing through the winding back road curves of the countryside with my head smooth against your neck as the white shimmering blur of so many silver nighttime stars swirl by,and together we chase the blue edges of night.
i am living on the edge. for once.
and realizing it is a
long
way
down.
( but somehow, this is where i need to be) I know that. so, why am i still drowning ?
old starlight - new starbright
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