prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2003-10-27 - 2:08 p.m.
if we ever had a chance, it is gone for good now. I have to come to accept it, your life went one way and mine has gone another, and never the two shall be one.
but, it doesn't stop me from still dreaming about you. I press against the pillows in my sleep, and slip into the soft dream of you, my cheek smooth against the amber of your skin, like the way, the way ~ it used to be. My long legs twining with your legs, pressing my fingers into the groove of yours, as I listen to the pulse of your seamless breathing. Your body rugged and moldable like clay, every night using my hands to build you up again, glazing you with the stain of so much desire.
and choices were made, and not made. actions were taken and not taken, oppurtunities came and went. Destiny and fate steered my ship another way. far far away from the black and white of your grey.
though you never loved me, you wanted me kept sacred and hidden away. I was your toy to play with, mouse to your pouncing cat games.
I grow weary of always having been the stand in girl, the not quite good enough girl, the girl that boys sing songs to, about other girls and then ask for tips on how to win over fabulous dream girl. I am tired of being the friend/lover, of being used as the "right now"/always gonna be there, left on the back burner for a lonely lean night" girl. and though it is my fault for allowing it to happen, I am not as weak as you believed. You mistook my kindness for weakness, but loving you in spite of all of this, has been the hardest thing that I have ever endured. You were the unrelenting center of my world. and that has come at a tremendous emotional cost.
I see your abundant flaws, and have pricked myself upon the thorns of your weakness. I have swallowed your mystery and found beauty in your dark prowling secrets in spite of all this. I have always accepted you for who you are, never asked you to change, never held silent joy when things with all of the other perfect girls, didn't work out. All I have ever wanted, is for you to be happy. Since you will never be happy with just me, I accept your truths.
I surrender to this.
so please let me go.
Stop telling me what to do, and how to run my life.
I betrayed you in circumstance but not in heart. You disappointed me one to many hundred times. but i forgive you. and I honor you every day in spirit, for I will always burn with an inexplicable love for you.
"and I can feel the distance. growing closer "
" all the way to china"
I used to be your porcelin doll.
that was before you left me for broken.
and so, once and for all, i do believe that this non-fairy tale, has finally come to an end.
once upon a time, there was a lost girl, who lived in a castle, high on a hill, ....................
old starlight - new starbright
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