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prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2004-01-11 - 11:20 p.m.
I am almost 24 weeks now, and The baby kicks all the time. and It never ceases to startle me. I can't even accurately describe what it feels like, it holds so much wonder that words do it no justice.
but as magical as this baby is,
I am terrified. of giving birth.
Afraid to be so alone within the black abyss and searing isolation of pain.
I am afraid that I can't do it.
That somehow I will fail myself and this beautiful little baby.
I try not to think about it, but the thoughts and the fear pray upon the edges of my restless mind.
When I went for my last ultrasound I was able to find out the the sex of the baby. Actually, the night before I went,I dreamt about the baby and the baby told me what it wanted it's middle name to be And so, we both agreed upon the name.
and it turns out that the baby was right, when it told me of it's gender. Already this baby is far wiser than me.
I oscillate with moments of extreme lonlieness,and total panic when I think about all the ways that I am alone, but then I remember that I am not the first woman in history to ever be pregnant and alone. but, it must be so much nicer to be able to share it with someone who cares.
It seems that I spent my adult life chasing the wrong kind of love. the unrequited kind. I made my choices based on heart. not intellect. had I listened to the voice inside my head, this baby would never ever have existed.
I never deserved romantic love, it's elusiveness has finally communicated this to me.
Somehow the things that come so easily to most people,always feel like the one thing that could never ever be mine.
I watch people endlessly, I study couples at the mall, at the Dr's office, at restaurants, and walking down the street etc. I live so far outside of their cooing/bickering/makingup world of two. The exclusivity of romantic companionship was never something that I truly ever experienced.
but, the one thing that I do know, is babies. I have raised everyone else's since the beginning of my time. In some ways, it is all I have ever known. Except the babies were never mine.
and I never thought I would ever have one of my own.
I thought that it was just another thing that I would have to experience vicariously.
except. when the baby kicks.
and I am stunned back into remembering.
that their is a tiny life inside my darkness, unaware of all the different shades of bluegrey sky.
and the taste of summer rain
and the smell of chocolate chip cookies baking,
and the feel of cool grass on bare feet
and the howling sound of lashing wind outside your window, on a cold winter's night as you nestle deeper under the duvet
and the thrill of getting a snow day when you know that you have a test
and perfectly made grilled cheese sandwiches
and the soft feathery fur of a cat, brushing against your cheek
and and and so many other wonderous things, but most especially
the love that is bursting in my heart everytime this baby moves
and I am glad that for once, I chose the right kind of love.
the forever kind.
old starlight - new starbright
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