wendchymes

she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2004-04-09 - 8:20 p.m.

The beauty has not yet arrived, but apparently she is gigantic. I still have 4 weeks to go, but she has grown in leaps and bounds and the sonogram technician today told me that according to there very ( unreliable) measurements, she is already close to 8 lbs. and in position head down ( with a full head of hair ) and immenently ready to be born.

Um. that is not good.

because even though, I can't walk 10 feet without feeling like my pelvic floor has been smashed by a baseball bat, or go 20 mins without feeling the pressing need to empty my bladder like I have been drinking pints of guiness all night, and just because i can't breathe, when i lay on my back or get a good night's sleep....

I am totally 100% not ready.

and Yes,even though all of her precious things are in place, her exquisitely tiny dresses are bursting out of my closet, and she has literally taken over every room of the house, and has 2 gorgeous cribs, ( one in layers of pink toile downstairs, and a canopied round mint green crinoline and tulle one upstairs) and a white wickered bassinet by the side of my bed, and baskets of tiny socks and ribbons and bows, and venetian silk slippers that are trimmed in pearl and rosettes and stacks of diapers and sweet smelling lavender bath gels, and beautiful soft blankets in every shade of pink, and plush toys and stacks of little books...

I am still not ready.

because, like everything else in my life. I have to do this alone.

and even though my sister's have offered to be there, to help me, through the mind numbing pain of childbirth, i can't help but think how alone I will be in that moment.

apparently as alone as I was. when i conceived this baby.

yet, everywhere I go, there are signs. I see the baby's name, everywhere. Today I went to interview pediatricians, and her ( not so common ) name, was on a poster, on the wall, outside the Dr's office. Someday I will tell you the story of how her name came to be, how it was that she told me her name, and how the signs and affirmations, follow me everywhere.