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prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2004-09-04 - 7:12 p.m.
I love to watch sierra fall asleep. In the evenings, I give her a bath, which she really loves, she splashes and coos and laughs the whole time, and then I dress her into her onesie pajamas. She always smells so delicious, it is all I can do, to keep from licking the top of her head, like some kind of wild kingdom lioness mama.
Then, I lay her down next to me, and we have a love fest. We look at each other,smiling and gazing into one anothers face, and she kicks her feet, and says aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh over and over. It is her way of relaxing herself. ( I also like to think, it is her telling me, about her day, and how HAPPY she is that we spent it together.) Then I give her about 5 ounces of formula, and she stares lovingly at me the whole time, while she drinks and I can see her begin to winddown, and inevitably she starts falling asleep. She always has to hold onto me, her tiny hand wraps around my finger, and with her other hand, she tethers herself to the pillow . I wonder if this is some kind of primordial way to make sure she doesn't fall off of her monkey mama's back.
And then,her eyes start closing. And she opens them, only to gaze back into my adoring face for a few seconds, and then she closes her bluegreylavenderhazelgreen eyes and smiles, and inevitably a little bit of milk from her bottle splashes out of her half smile, and my sleepy baby, with her milky face, then opens her twinkling eyes again, and smiles wider at me. and then her eyes close. again. as her fingers grip me tighter.
and, then just like magic, my precious baby is asleep, her chest still rising and falling in synch with her sleepy ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh's
and for a long time afterwards,in these warm summer evenings I lay stretched out beside her, With the fan blowing a cool breeze against my bare legs, and I think to myself. I am so lucky. I do not take a single moment with this precious child for granted. I lap up every moment with her.
I used to spend all of my time, wishing my life another way, entering and reentering the past, wishing that somehow things had been different, that someone that I loved deeply, would love me back, but now, I do not dwell in if-only land anymore. because. if any single moment in my life had played out differently, then this beautiful baby would not be here.
and I can't imagine my life without her. She has become my everything. I added a picture of her in her Baptismal gown, at the bottom of this webpage. She was so very pleased with herself, in her party dress, but tossed her Christening bonnet to the curb
and I couln't possibly love her any more, or be more grateful.
Thank you god!!!!! Thank you thank you thank you for this beautiful baby of mine ! shhhhh my baby's sleeping.......
old starlight - new starbright
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