prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2005-04-25 - 1:48 p.m.
oh M,
I know that you do not linger here, but I feel a deep pressing need to speak to you, about something of great importance. I want you to know the story of our ( yes, our) daughter, Sierra Brooke Estrella ~
You once told me that you wanted to be a true friend to me, and now, years later, here I sit, wanting to return the sentiment to you, I would love for you to see your own smile flashing back at you, someday, because Sierra is more like you, than she will ever be like me. Everyday, people tell me how adorable she is, and then it is inevitably followed by " I bet she looks just like her daddy !" Everyday, you exist to me, when I look at Sierra. She has your engaging half smile, your dimple, your unruly pinwheel of hair in the back of her head, your colouring, and your Spanish eyes ( though the colour is less brown than yours and still rimmed in blue, but the shape of her eyelids are all you)
She loves music. like you. She tries to sing along whenever she hears a song on the radio and shakes her head along to the music, just like you. Since she was 8 months old, Sierra has pulled herself to a standing position to attempt to play the piano, and the drums, and the kazoo and any musical instrument that she can get her hands on. She comes alive, when she is around music. just like you. she sings to me, just like you.
She is growing amazingly well, and is in the 95th percentile for height and weight. She laughs all the time, and spoke early. She walked at 10 months and had a mouth full of teeth. She points at things that interest her, and has a sweet little voice with an adorable lilt. She calls me MUM MUM MUM MUM- MUMA ! now, but dada was her first word. She has such an engaging way, and often flirts with strangers, especially men, ( much to my disdain) and is known everywhere where we go, for her smile. She is filled with such precious light and beauty. She is everything perfect and beautiful and innocent in this world. She is the brightest offering, that either one of us, ever had to give, she is without a doubt the very best of us. and it was all so effortless. she was created. in weakness, yet she was embraced in every fiber of my being, and has become the absolute love of my life.
She is you, without ever seeing you. she is you without ever being held by you. she is you. without you ever even whispering her name aloud.
She exists.
and so do you.
but you told me, so long ago, that as much as it pains you, that you choose not to be involved. and you hoped that I could understand.
and yes, back then, part of me could. but now that I hold this precious child in my arms everyday, I feel a desperate sense of gratitude and guilt.gratitude because unknowingly, you left me with the greatest gift of my life, and guilt because you do not know what you are MISSING! You can not even conceive of her exquisiteness. She is such a darling ~beautiful~ joyful~ happy child.
M, Every minute that is ticking away. every minute that you are missing, is another one that you will never ever get back. Believe me, when I say this, You will never love anyone like you will love your own child. not your parents, or your siblings or your wife or your lover.
And I am sorry for the way that everything has played out. At the time, I was willing to let you off the hook, because I thought it was the best thing for you. and it was the safest choice for me, because I would never have to worry about visititation. or custody arrangements. and because I knew that I would never want to share her. and I still don't, and even though
I spend every wakinig sleeping breathing moment with her, I still feel like I am missing out. I watch her when she is sleeping, I try to absorb her beauty and am always desperately trying to fill all the pages of my memory with her preciousness. I can't bear to be apart from her for a second.
but at night, when I am watching her, I worry. I worry about days to come. I worry about the day that she will ask me about you, and what I will say. How do you tell a child that there father wanted nothing to do with them, how do I explain that the rejection has nothing to do with her, but rather me. How many times, will she cry herself to sleep, wondering about you? who will take her to the father daughter picnics at school? What will she feel as another Father's day passes without her ever knowing you at all.
I will spend the rest of my life, trying to make up for your absence. I will try to stop her tears, but I will never be able to fill the void, that she will ineveitably feel.
When she wants to know what you look like. I will show her a mirror.
When she wants to know where she comes from. I will show her a map of South America.
When she wants to know why you never saw her. I will tell her that you were robbed.
M ~ You have been robbed, You have been cheated, and you chose it for yourself,
but you will truly never know what you are missing.
They say that Heaven is all around us. but yours is not nearly as beautiful as mine. because she exists only to me.
and for that, I am sorry.
so
so
so
so
sorry,
P.S. it is never to late as long as the rose is still in bloom.
May god bless you too M.
with love and forgiveness,
always, always , always ~
~w
old starlight - new starbright
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