prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-03-31 - 5:29 p.m.
They say that time heals all wounds, but for me, it was sierra.
It was not time. Time limped along, and I constantly excavated the pain, scratched at the surface of the scab,watched the pooling blood.. given the luxury of time.. and time and more time... nothing but time to edit and re-edit the memory ( of you. and you. and you)
Now, I have no time. No time to focus on any of my neurosis, no energy to devote to the poltergeists of my past or present or even my future. I barely have time to brush my teeth ( note to self MAKE TIME TO BRUSH TEETH RE: the bad news from the dentist saying that I need a $1600 crown that I can in no way afford and will not be getting anytime soon)
What I do have ~Is ~ Sierra. and everyday the tiny moments fill me to the brim, and I try so hard to cram all of these precious simple memories into all of my newly emptied spaces..
the gleeful look on her face, when she comes sliding down the twisty slide at the playground and yells 'whhheeeeeeeee" or
the way she always wants to dance, and every morning, asks for a twirly skirt or dress so that she can dance, and then she hops off the bed, and shows me, her twirls... the little curls on the back of her head, twirling and whirling in all the motion of her joyous carefree dance...
the sound of her little voice. oh god, it is so sweet. the inflections, the subtle dramatic nuances, the tiny imperfections, in the mispronouncing of words, like bobble, for bottle and luv lu , for I love you,
and every day, when sierra falls asleep, I lay next to her, and hold her , and tell her about our day, remind her of the things we did, and the people she saw, of how much she is loved, of how happy she makes me, and when she falls asleep...
I breathe a sigh of relief and think to myself...
another great day, another day that I managed to keep her safe in this frightful world, another day filled with the bustle of activity...of trips to the grocery story and story time at the library, and playdates, and walks around the block, and literally.
stopping. so that Sierra can smell the flowers. and watching her face light up as she picks a small purple flower, and hands it to me, and says, "here go, mommy. pweety fwower. smell niiiceee"
and when I close my eyes.
I no longer think about the pain.
I remember. instead. how sweet the simpleness. is. that Sierra. has brought to my world.
old starlight - new starbright
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