prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2006-07-14 - 8:14 a.m.

Sierra is still asleep, I have to literally tear myself out of the bed, wrench my arm from underneath her sleeping form, just so that I can sneak out and go to the bathroom, and put the dog outside.

It still brings tears to my eyes, to see her laying there, sleeping, in her softly sweet innocence, tucked under the lavender duvet with just a hint of her tinkerbell nightgown peeking out, knowing that she exists, but for a mistaken fateful whimsy and with one beautiful truth came tumbling forth so many lies....

I am sorry that her father has missed this amazing tender blossom emerging, But I imagine that he can not fully comprehend what it is that he lost, in his cowardice, until he has a " legitimate" child of his own, and tangibly holds him or her for the first time. and then and only then can he begin to know, all that he lost, but truly his loss, is the greatest gift I could ever receive.

for some people, who have timelines and charts and dreams and doctorate programs to complete, children sometimes can appear at the most inoportune time, and the truth is, there never really is a good time to have a child, you can always find an excuse, or put it off..

and, yes every child deserves the best chance for success, and a loving home, with two emotionally, physically and financially healthy people. but soemtimes that just isn't possible

Sierra. just ~appeared~ partly because of my apathy. to life. partly because of bad judgement~ Looking back now, I realize just how deeply depressed I was.

I was totally lost. in despair. and full of hopelessness, searching searching searching for a meaning in my borrowed life... seeking seeking seeking something anything that could make me feel.

but nothing did.

and so in many ways I am grateful to Sierra's father, for calling me on my gloominess. for orchestrating the affair. for propelling me out of my greyness, and trying to bring me out into the light.

and I know the exact moment, down to the last second, when my entire life changed.

and in that moment, I eclipsed everything. and started to shine brighter than any sun. My reason to live, to be, to take my next breath had rooted, and all my old truths ceased to be.

In growing another person, I finally found the missing pieces, that I had foolishly given away. Becoming two, finally made me whole.

Sierra has given me so many abundant gifts, I can't even fully grasp the full extent of all of them. She makes me want to live into my old age, something I never dreamed of before. She has quelled my restlessness, and turned my total discontentment, into contendess. I have a purpose, an awe inspiring ( albeit sometimes overwhelming) job, of shaping her into a loving responsible adult.

and I know that i will have to navigate some shaky waters, and the truth is I am petrified on some level, but I can only keep moving forward, being a (single) parent means there is no more lingering in the past ( something i have elevated to an art form) there is only today. and the hope of tomorrow.

I worry about sierra's wholeness. I worry that the abscencse of a father... will damage her soul, and I take that on fully, since itis my fault. I rehearse the future imagined adolescent conversations.

People have told me that sierra will someday hate me, because she has no father.

to them i have only this to say. I can not ever change sierra's history, or past. But I am doing everything I possibly can, to give her a foundation of love.

never has any baby been more wanted. than Sierra Brooke Estrella. She is the absolute living embodiment of perfection and the darling of our entire family, her cousins adore her,and fight over who gets to sit next to her, at the dinner table, in the car etc...

she has given me back my emotional health and well being and a concern for my physical well being ( something I lacked, before she was born)

and so when I look at her sleeping form, I am overwhelmed with all of these thougts all at once

"isn't she beautiful, isn't she precious, but what about college ?, how will i ever pay for it? awww Look at her lips moving in that ~still a baby face~, oh how sweet, oh my god, what if she was never born ? what if ... "

and more than anything it terrifies me to think that someone so precious could be both meant to be, and so close to never existing, all at the same time.

perhaps none of this makes any sense, to anyone else. especially if you do not have a child.

but i write this, for sierra. always for sierra. who rescued me, from myself.

and every day now, (life with) sierra gives me a thousand gifts i could never have given myself.

and always underneath all of the layers of love, is a tender soft underbelly of fear.

because I am always just so aware,

of what it is that I could have so easily gotten rid of

or ( GOD FORBID) never ever had at all.

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