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prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-10-26 - 6:27 p.m.
confessions to noone.
Underneath all of the happiness, of my little suburban life, I can't help but shake an old familiar bittersweet undercurrent, of a hopeless longing, for...
more. always wanting more.
Sierra should be enough. and I am so in love with her, and so- down on my knees kissing the ground- grateful for her, but time, time time is slipping by.
and she is growing, growing. growing up.
and the biggest surprise so far, has been the yearning, for another baby. something that I feel slightly ashamed of.
because it is simply not possible. not now. not in this lifetime. not in the current state of living in my precarious financial existence. and advanced maternal age ( at 36 and a 1/2 another pregnancy would be frowned upon medically, not to mention impossible and adoption is out of the question, due to my finances)
and I can't help but to be eaten up inside, a little bit, that I had to undertake all of this all on my own,
I don't/can't even entertain the notion of ever marrying, i live a very isolated life. I haven't been out in a social situation in over 3 years. wherever i go, whatever I do, Sierra is with me, even to the point, that I only get my hair cut twice a year, and she sits next to me, in the stroller, or on my lap the whole time.
and I feel jealous. of all the people who meet someone, get married and have their families, and live their little white picket lives, even if it isn;t always perfect, they always seem to act so entitled,
and deserving.
and so, here I sit. with a heart open to so much love. all I want to do is love. love sierra. love my family. and I find myself with so much more love to give, and think. why me. why me. why can't I have more?
why can't I have more, to offer sierra. more money, more opportunities, how I would love to send her to ballet class, and to take her to disney world, ( my parents are going next month, but sierra and I sadly can't go, because simply, we can not afford it)
and why can't she have someone to call daddy and toss her in the air, and bring us both flowers?
because.
it is my fault. I never felt worthy of love. and so I never found love. not even in my sleeping dreams.
and everyday i struggle to be worthy of loving and being loved, by sierrabrooke, please god, let her forgive me, for not being able to give her all that she deserves.
she loves me so much, i guess part of me is afraid for her to grow up and see me, for what I really am. an insecure failure.
tonight this is my sad, little song.
old starlight - new starbright
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