prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2007-01-17 - 8:18 p.m.
Winter has returned to Syracuse with a vengence, it is like Antartica, outside right now, and the windows are all covered in a thick coating of ice. I could not open my car door this morning, and had to have Sierra climb into the back seat, from the front passenger side. and then I had to do some bizarre, backwards triple lutz manoever to get myself into the drivers seat, through the passengers side door. and it was anything but graceful.
I am mostly content, with the day to day ness. it is just that,
underneath the surface,there is a bittersweet yearning, for more.
I find myself, always wanting more. and I feel guilty about that. because, why can't this be enough?
It is just that I am always aware, that the future keeps ticking down. to a finite point. Sierra is growing Growing GROWING up ( beautifullY), and instead of taking so much tremendous joy in the preciousness of every passing moment, I fear everything that is yet to come.
I want her to stay my baby. I feel even more sorrow about this, than I can ever rationally explain. Part of it, is caught up in the finality of knowing that I can not just " have another baby". and I feel really! really! really! cheated because of that. I am trying to comprehend the inherent unfairness of life, and that good things do not always happen to good people. All I ever wanted, was to be a mother. to take care of someone small, and love them and nurture them.
and I guess I am so afraid of Sierra growing up, because it means she will be more of her own person, and less an extension of me. or rather, I am an extension of her. I exist solely to fulfill her needs, and to take care of her, and believe it or not, on some level, this fulfills me more than anything else I have ever experienced.
Last night, Sierra had made a big mess, dumped all of her toys on the floor, and emptied out her clothes... from the drawers.. all in about 4o seconds, while I was putting the dog out.. and when i walked back into the room, and was about to YELL.... she disarmed me completely, with the following highly manipulative saying.." MOMMY, YOU LOOK SO PWEETY! will you pweese come lay in the bed, with me and be all cozily ? "
and so we did.
sucker that I am. I ignored all of the mess, stepped over piles of toys and clothes, and crawled into our bed, and snuggled all cozily with my little girl, because, if I have 10,000 more nights like this, with her, it would still be to few.....
In my wildest dreams I never imagined just how deep this love could be.
all cozily indeed.
old starlight - new starbright
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