she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

blustarswendy3

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2007-01-26 - 11:45 a.m.

I have lived my whole life, being a good person, "good "girl, a good daughter, a good friend, and now trying desperately to be a good mother. If I were to die today, I am fairly confident that the handful of people who would attend my funeral, would all shake their heads, as they exited the church, and whisper in unison. "She was a good person."

But I am tired of being a good person. I have been waiting for years and years for something amazing to happen, as the proverbial reward for being a good person, for always being nice, and friendly, for being genuine and caring, for going out of my way, to always be forgiving and loving and generous to a fault.

but I feel so let down, by everything and everyone. I have been hurt and disappointed by everyone I ever loved or cared about, with the exception of 2 aquaintances, and thankfully, my family.

Perhaps this is why I read copious infertility blogs. even though they loathe women like me... who fell pregnant, without having to endure the many horrible experiences that they suffer through on their desperate attempts to have a baby. I think that I read about their struggles, because it reminds me, how lucky I am. to have Sierra. and that my pregnancy was "easy" and without complications, and that Sierra is healthy and beautiful and makes my life a thousand times better, just for existing.

but it is more complicated than that. I read perhaps to understand that good things do not always "easily" happen to other good deserving people. besides just me.

I have a totally different struggle than the infertile women. Generally they are financially secure and in committed relationships. they are just missing this one last piece, of their "happily ever after". As for me, I struggle, daily, with the consequences of my existence. I can not afford to live in my house much longer ( and would not be making it, if it were not for the help of my parents who can not afford to help me much longer, either), and the amount of debt that I have incurred is crushing, and makes me feel sick to my stomach whenever I think about it.

and It is not because I am lazy or uneducated. I work 7 days a week, but I have made the choice to nanny, with sierra. because my only other option, in Syracuse, was to work for barely above min wage, and have placed Sierra in daycare 12 hours a day. and that would have KILLED ME! So instead I chose this other life, which is lovely because I get to be with Sierra 24-7, but it is not always "easy" struggling to manoever Sierra's sleeping form, out of the carseat and up the steps and into bed, at 11 pm, or getting her up and out at 7 am, in a snowstorm, so we can make it to a regular babysitting job on sat mornings. but I comfort myself with the fact that these years are so priceless and precious and fleeting, and whatever the cost has been, and whatever has to happen next, at least she had this foundation of love and security. I can honestly say that I have been there every moment for Sierra

and I want Sierra to believe that good things do happen to good people. I want hope and optimism to be a beacon of light in her world. She is teaching me, to believe once again. Sometimes, through the darkness, you can actually see things much more clearly. and I realize now that every sad moment, every hurtful experience or seemingly wasted friendship, was all part of my journey. my journey to Sierra. Any other path, would have lead me somewhere else. and at night, when Sierra is curled up sweetly sleeping next to me, well, there is nowhere else I would rather be.

And thank you, universe. for reminding me that good things DO HAPPEN to GOOD people, who finally open their eyes to the simple blessings all around them.

old starlight - new starbright

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