prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2007-04-21 - 9:18 a.m.
Sierra, my Sweet, sweet, infinitely beautiful baby girl Sierra,
Just typing those handful of words to you, makes me overflow with all the love and sentiment that every mother feels. Soon, you will be three years old, and already you are navigating this world, as your own little person, and every day I fall deeper in love with you. It is an extraordinary kind of love, one that has taken me by wonderful surprise. I knew that I would love you, deeply. I knew that you would be exquisitely beautiful, but I had no idea just how incredibly joyful it would all be.
For years and years before you were born, I suffered from profound insomnia, what little restless sleep I did get, was fractured by hours and hours of tossing and turning, and feeling so very alone. Now, I start every day, the same way that I end it, snuggled up next to you, your warm little body, pressed against mine, and I wake up early, just to gather a few minutes of quiet, and watch you sleep. I never tire of this scene. I could literally spend all of the hours of infinity, watching you sleep, the little pucker of your rosebud lips, breathing in and out. and in those sweet sweet moments, I am the most contented and fulfilled that I have ever been.
You have healed me from so many old wounds, and sometimes, I find it is you, who is mothering me. You fuss over me, and scold me, if I forget to fasten my seatbelt, you remind me to wear gloves, and warn me to be careful, so that I do not trip and fall ( again) on the last porch step. Sometimes, we fight over what you should wear, and I will try to force you to wear sensible jeans, when it is 20 degrees below zero, and all you want to wear is your tutu's and twirly skirts, and I will say, " I am the mommy, when you are the mommy, you can make the decisions, but for now, I am the mama, and you are my baby, and you are gonna wear these jeans!" and somehow, from this little exchange, you have come to believe that someday, you are going to grow up and be a mama, and I am going to grow down, and be YOUR BABY! because you love to tell me, " when I am da mama and you are da baby I am gonna let you dress up as a princess, even when it is shivery cold outside!"
and I love this idea. that we could be linked together,in other lifetimes, over and over, because simply, I love you. I love you, and want to always be near you.
I sometimes worry that I am teaching you to be co-dependent, because the truth is, I am so dependent on you. I fall asleep, and know that you will be there in the morning, clutching my hand... I am finally allowing myself to believe that you will always be there,
and you always are. You pin me to this world, and give me wings. You make me feel fierce, and protective, and I want to be someone that you are proud of. I have found myself, tangled up in the beauty of your smile, and in your eyes, I finally have value. I love you, and it is the closest that I have ever come to loving myself. You are all the best of me. and I am profoudly grateful for all the things that you are teaching me, along the way. You are without a doubt, my very best friend. Last night, you looked up at me, and smiled, and said, " I really like you, mommy" and I smiled and said, " I like you too, baby", and you wrinkled up your brow and said again, " but mommy, I mean I really really like you!" and I felt such a rush of tenderness and gratitude.
Sierra, I thank the universe over and over, for the honour of being your mother. Every night, I say a simple little prayer, to keep you safe and happy. This is all that matters to me. You are the greatest gift that I have ever been given, the gift that I somehow gave to myself. and so I thank you for choosing me. and for letting me believe in dreams again. You are and always will be, my sweet little infinity
and that is exactly how long that I will spend loving you.
old starlight - new starbright
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