prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2007-09-10 - 7:38 p.m.
Sierra, you are and always will be my little angel girl. Last night, we laid out your clothes, packed your lunch box, gave you a quick bath, read a few books, and then it was lights out. Before falling to sleep, you always ask me to sing you a lullaby, and I always do, my voice may not be the best, but I sing the song of the stars for you, about how I wished so long for you, and named you Sierra Brooke Estrella because Estrella is spanish for star, and I wanted to thank the stars for sending you, my little Spanish beauty, to me. Watching you sleep, the sweet languid repose of your body, your long arms lifted above your head, and your long chestnut brown hair fanning out all around you, I am struck by how powerfully you can still take my breath away. I am still in a place of tremendous gratitude and disbelief that such an exquisite creature, is my actual little girl, my baby. So long, so hard did I wish, yearn, ache, for you, and I often wake up in a panic, that it was all just a dream, and I have to search the covers, for you, to reassure myself, that you are indeed still there, curled up sweetly alongside me.
You are three years and four months old. These years, months, weeks, days are passing by far too quickly. I am thrilled that you got accepted into one of the best pre-schools in Upstate NY, but it was with a heavy heart that I clasped your small hand, and walked you inside the familiar arches, of your school. We have passed through those doors many times before, when I took you into the bunny room, with me, to watch the two year olds, but this time, it was different. You were so excited, and your hand felt so tiny in mine, but your gait was jaunty and purposeful, each footstep bringing you closer, to the promised land, of endless glue, paper, crayons, glitter, markers, finger paints, and all the sensory activities that you want.
You burst through your classroom door, stuffed your backpack and lunch box in your cubby, jammed your stuffed animal ( daisy the lamb) in there as well, and then you literally ran off, disappearing into the chaos of all the kids, teachers, and moms milling about. I am so grateful that you are so independent, and confident, and bold, but a part of me, was heartbroken, that you weren't as sad as I was to be separated. You are SO ready for this program. and I couldn't be prouder. I fought my way through the crowds, and found you, on the floor, playing with some toys, and I gave you a big kiss, and told you that I would see you in a little while. You just smiled, and said, " ok mommy" and that was it.
and, so I slipped away, into the bathroom, to cry, in private. and then when I was ready, I walked down to my car, and called grammy, and Auntie Lyss, on the phone, and cried some more. and after an hour, I finally, drove away. For the first time, in our entire lives, from the moment that you were placed into my arms, all these years later, for the first time, we have been seperated. The physical act of delivering you into this world, was less painful, than the ache of delivering you to your classroom.
But, fear not, you did Fabulously! I showed up and tried to sneak into the room, when they were doing the goodbye circle. And you looked up and yelled " MOMMY!" I smiled, and waved. and blew you a kiss. and you smiled and waved back. Your pigtails were coming a bit undone, but I could tell that you had had a wonderful day, just from the serenity on your face, you looked a little tired, but overall, I knew that the day had gone well. a mother just knows. and then when the song was over, you were dismissed, and you came running, leaping, flying into my arms. And that moment, that thud of your body, thrown against mine, felt so complete. How beautifully you have filled up my life, with so much love.
and I am just so proud, so grateful, so honoured to be your mommy,
I love you little girl. ( and I am glad that you are only in school 2 days a week, because I could not bare to be away from you, for any longer than that!)
" our children outgrow us, long before we outgrow them"
old starlight - new starbright
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