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prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2007-11-12 - 2:15 p.m.
this is the face that keeps me grounded, keeps me humble in the face of so much want and need.
the unrelenting struggle for money and the herculean juggling of the bills, is taking it's toll on me.
there are so many things that i want to give to sierra, she has been asking for an america.n girl doll,for christmas but that is far out of our league. I hate that when I had money, i had noone to spend it on, other than myself. back then I could have bought ten america.n girl dolls and all the accessories.
but fear not, she is getting a t'arget knockoff, and should be none the wiser.
but oh, it is hard. to not buy things for her that she wants, like ballet lessons, and barbie palaces, because every mother wants her child to be fulfilled and happy...she has even started asking for piano lessons, nevermind that we do not have a piano, but she loves playing the neighbor's piano, and pretends that she can read the music sheets,
but i need to use the money to fix the car, oh but i can't beause of that leak in the ceiling, but really that will have to wait, because the hallway needs painting, but forget that, time to pay the electrical bill, and do not even THINK about turning the heat on, it is 55 degrees inside my house, but we just put on sweaters.and more sweaters because it costs over $500 a month to heat this house in the winter...
and now that i am living here alone, with noone to split utilities with, it is not going to be a fun winter.
it does not feel like much fun at all, having to be the grownup, when all i really wanna do, is sit on the floor and play dollies with my little girl,
but i perservere, and try to pick up more nannying hours whenever i can, and maybe just maybe, one of these days i will catch a break.
but until then, i know that my riches are not bound in gold and currency, but only in the smile of this, my gilded angel child, who came into my world and turned everything grey, into glistening with enchanted fairy rainbows, all day, everyday.
old starlight - new starbright
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