prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2008-03-08 - 7:58 a.m.
Motherhood is such an all consuming world, it comes in like a tsunami and you never really are the same again. I have lost a lot of who I used to be, in the process, but the stripping away of the layers, has also been deeply healing. i am less and more, all at the same time.
I care less about what people think of me, and i need less from other people. i no longer pine and ache over someone who never deserved me, in the first place.
When I was small, in all of my innocence, i truly believed that i was special, because that is how i was made to feel. whenever i walked in the room, my grandparents would fuss all over me, and tell me, how smart and how pretty i was. I felt entititled to the feeling, of knowing, and more importantly deeply believing, that i was very special. that i was not just like everyone else, and that because of this specialness, and because i was me, and noone else, i was deserving of their love and affection. when i walked in a room, their faces literally lit up, and i basked in the warm glow of that affection.
perhaps that is why i love children so much. their innocence is so profoundly beautiful to me, they believe in beauty and fairies and enchantment, and that good always conquers evil. and if treated right, they also believe that they are magical and special too.
but life has a way of unraveling all of that. other kids can chip away at that belief and over time, life experiences, relationships, disappointments, friendships, betrayals, etc can leave you shattered, and alone, and disbelieving that you ever thought that you were special or important, to anyone, ever.
I thought that i had lost that feeling of specialness, forever. I serched for it, first in people, and then in clothes. in glamourous vacations, in expensive accessories, disappointing relationships etc. i never found it. not for a single minute.
and then one day, when i least expected it, i found it again, when i pick sierra up from pre school. the second she sees me, she comes flying from across the room, and literally leaps into my arms, yelling gleefully "mommy!" and the loud thud of her body crashing into mine, jumpstarts that old feeling again. and i am startled to realize, that i feel special, and enchanted and magical, and most importantly, entitled, to this feeling of specialness, because i am indeed her mommy. noone else, can replace me, or take her away from me, or love her like i do.
and i scoop her up in my arms, and cover her with kisses, and pray that she always knows just how special she is, in her own right, to me, always.
and i will spend the rest of my days, trying to make sure that she does. and bask in the glow of letting go of so much old hurt, to let in something much more constant and everlasting, oh this deep deep love, for my child, of my very very very own.
old starlight - new starbright
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