wendchymes

she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2001-10-12 - 9:00 p.m.

did you ever wake up one day, trying to shake off the layers of sleep, like a wet dog.. and have the sudden sinking realization, that this really is your life, and there really is no motivation to get up ?

I know i should be grateful, that I am not ash and bone incinerated in the twin towers, but i am ashamed to say that even that realization is not enough to make me humble and pious.

Sometimes your life can disappear a piece at a time, until you realize that you are not standing on anything, you have no foundation... you have no air , you have no interest in anything. you have no passion. all your friends have stretched their wings and flown into new skies.. soaring in a completely different direction.

you have no breeze to free fall upon.

This is how i feel, so sensitive... right now, that if someone touched me, I might jump. I think a touch would burn, I can not even remember the softlingeringtouch of human contact anymore. I have become so isolated, and what I am stunnned to realise is, that this has been happening for a very long time, and I didn't even seem to notice. what is wrong with me ?

mental illness could be one diagnosis, but I think it is more flawed than that, a mental illness would be too convenient an excuse for having FUCKED my life up.

I am exposed, I feel raw, hurt, abandoned. I do not want to make new friends, the 8 yr old in me, who moved every year of her life, can still remember the sickening smell of new schools,(like chalk and amonia and burning beef stew) the ache in my stomach when I had to walk into a new school, and know that I was going to be the *new* kid, forced to stand up in different cities, in different classrooms, that somehow always smelled and looked the same. Even the bullies looked the same, same old eccentric misfits, and same cool/pretty WASP kids, different names, yet a l w a y s the same.. As you make your descent down the long hallway that mocks you, you begin to choke on your thoughts. You desperately wish that you could just disappear,anything- rather than reach the end of that hall and turn the nob leading you into a room that is the same as all the ones before. Fear grips you like never before. You are tiny,( for a big boned girl you are amazingly tiny), tinier than you have ever been before. Your voice could become lost in a thimble. You wish you were tiny enough to slip behind the tattered wallpaper, but you are not. You have to be big. You have to be brave, even though you are petrified. You are tiny. soooooooooo tiny. You are me. You wish you were anywhere else, but the room eventually becomes familiar and the horrifying strangers occasionally turn into your very *bestest tell everything to* kinda friends*, right now, in this very moment, that you are walking down the hallway of a new school, all you can think about, (as you trip over your tears) are the friends you left behind.

I hate losing old friends, to new schools, and new cities, as they scatter across the globe and create new memories, and new lives that you are not a part of. Somehow, in the wake of all this, they leave you far behind, like a ghost, left to haunt, your very own life.