prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2001-10-27 - 8:42 a.m.
So, I wake up this morning, trying to hold onto the thin layers of sleep clinging to me, and suddenly, I wished that you were there, because all I wanted to do, was roll over and kiss you, and feel myself ascending the spiral staircase of your mouth, alas, when I did roll over, all I got was a mouthful of pillow...
that was the sinking moment, when I realized it was 8 am, on a saturday and I had nowhere to go, and nowhere to be. Usually this would be a wonderful feeling, but not today. and thoughts kept tumbling around my head..
~ these are some of them~
I thought about how I am a much better muse than a writer. I thought about how someone once sent me an opera that they called WendChymes, and that they claim that they wrote for me. I still have it somewhere. And once someone else named a song on their completely insignificant New Age cd after me, and sent me a video of them playing it on the piano. ( then promptly asked me to throw it away, because "Yanni" did not want his wife to somehow find out that he had sent a video to some chick) And if you can believe THIS, another dude once named a minor charactor in his published Novel after me ( the main charactor thinks back and remembers that the only girl he ever really loved was called wendy and how they used to get it on, in her parents bedroom, after school )awwwwwwwww Should I be flattered ? He went on, to also name a street after my surname ( hope it wasn't on the wrong side of the tracks!). Then, he used something that I had once mentioned, as the ending for his story, Because one time I said, that when I died, I wanted to be cremated , and maybe someone could mix some of the ashes into paint, and paint it into a painting. (yes, I know a bit macabre and GROSS, but ) I know exactly the kind of painting I would want to be painted into. It is of two lovers entwined in a kiss. Who would not want to linger in an image of that for all eternity ? Anyway, he asked me if he could use that in his novel, he said it would work perfectly. He asked me several times , and I always said sure, whatever. I think he was surprised that I would let him. But, I was thinking about that this morning, about how words are like our children. They only belong to you, when they are held inside your thoughts, but once you share them with the world, you must surrender them. They are yours, but they go off on there own, and however they come back to you, is never how you remember them being.
This got me thinking about children, and how they are the closest thing we have, to perfection. It is almost as in, the creating of them, we are giving birth to a better us, to obsolve us of our sins. We know we are far from perfect, so we send our children out into the universe and pin all our hopes and unrealized dreams on them. In a way, they give us permission to die, because we have something to leave behind, they are our true gift. I know this , because my mother is always so fond of telling me that she has such great dreams and high expectations for me. And I always think, but what about dreams for yourself? She had children,ALOT OF THEM, that is what defines her life, and now she has sent me out into the world to fulfill her. Wow, that is alot of pressure!!
I decided to go into denial, and moved on to think about what my dream house would be. I always thought that I wanted to live near the sea or in a glass house but apparently that has changed. I realized a glass house would be to goddamn HOT! And I do not want it tinted to screen out the UV rays, but I also do not want to get sunburned walking around my freaking house, who needs to worry about getting skin cancer inside there living room ? So much for the glass house. As for the sea, somehow today I long for a place by the lake. I love the lake in all seasons, the way it sparkles in summer, the auburn hues it takes on in the deep splendour of fall, the icy white of winter and the first swimmng lesson it offers to the new ducklings in spring.
then I glanced over, and caught the name of my deodarant, Secret Platinum Protection. The scent is called Optimism. SAY WHAT???? What exactly is Secret trying to tell me? So, I looked up this word
First appeared 1759
1 : a doctrine that this world is the best possible world
2 : an inclination to put the most favorable construction upon actions and events or to anticipate the best possible outcome
-- op*ti*mist (noun)
-- op*ti*mis*tic (adjective)
-- op*ti*mis*ti*cal*ly (adverb)
Well, apparently they only offer the inclanation to put forth the most favorable effort to control perspiration, and they anticipate the best possible outcome but make no guarentees that you won't be RANK!
damn, I need to get a new anti-perspirant. I want one with more ummph and promise.I don't want An OPTIMISTIC Anti Perspitrant, next they will be offering a mildly depressed one, I can see the headline ( Now, with even LESS SERATONIN!!!!!!!) I want one called GUARENTEED!!! One that says "If you STINK, YOU OWN THE COMPANY! GUARENTEED"
I mean, is that to much to ask ????
old starlight - new starbright
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