prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2001-11-19 - 7:42 p.m.
It has come to my horrified attention, that I might actually have *Intimacy issues*. I would never have realized this on my own. I just sort of assumed I had really bad luck and made really bad choices, and was destined to be alone. But, then someone asked me If I have ever really had a true and passionate love. This was a devastating moment, when I contemplated it and realized no, I have not. I have loved tremendously, but noone ever really loved me back with the fervor and absolute devotion that I have always offered. I have never had a successful long term relationship, I have never been kissed by anyone who was a likely canidate to make me an honest woman. I have chosen losers, but now with Oprah and Dr. Phil's unsolicited help, I realize that I have sought out these losers, because I never believed that I deserved *more*.
I do not know how this happened, I come from a very loving home. My parents are still married, and I have no easy childhood trauma to pin my neurosis on. In fact, if anything, my parents are an exemplary rolemodel of grown up love. They have been a perfect partnership all these years. Even their arguments were not of a life scarring kind, most of the time they argued about the fact that my dad thought we had to many pets and he didn't want another " damn animal", which my mother always disregarded. Welcome,pet du jour ! Not exactly the traumatic knock down drag out kind of fights that many a kid has been silent victim to.
Alas, just knowing that I have intimacy issues is not enough to fix them. I do not know exactly what I am supposed to do next. I can intellectualize the thought that I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life, and that I would love to meet someone who would be able to love me back. But how do you get from Point A to Point B? I suppose that the easy solution is therapy, but I am not sure how much I would like to endure the tremendous emotional excavation that counseling has to offer. I mean, I have already suffered greatly in my feeble stumblings along love's precipice, but sometimes the only way forward is to realize where you began
I am starting to accept that the losers are indeed losers, not charming misunderstood clever little bastards with great potential for change . Trying to change someone into a redeeming romantic life partner is just too huge of an undertaking. I am just one person, and the one I should be working on, is me. I want to be beautiful, not for you, but for me. I want someone to watch me sleep and think soft loving thoughts . I want to give them the amazing gift of a child to nestle into a space in there heart that they never knew existed before. I want someone to remember my favourite kinds of everything, even when I forget, that I FUCKING LOVE Chocolate covered mints. I want someone to surrender to, when I need to surrender, and someone who will let me save them, when I need to be needed. I want someone to find my excesses endearing, and my flaws part of the magic that is me. I want someone to curl up next to (sometimes sleeping and sometimes *NOT* )for the next 50 years. I want someone who sends me cards that are signed from the dog. I want someone who gets my jokes and knows how to handle me when I am insecure and emotional. I want someone who is not ashamed to cry in front of me.I want someone who appreciates breakfast in bed. I want someone who laughs, alot. I want someone who would crash there car into a tree to avoid hitting a squirrel. I want someone who isn't afraid to say they are sorry and will forgive me when I am irrational. I want someone who makes me shiver, and secretly likes the way I glitter. I want someone who still wishes on stars. I want someone who is not all grown up. I know I want to much. but I also am starting to realize that I am a treasure, and that I have all this to offer, and oh ~so ~much ~more~
if only you would open your eyes.
If only if only if only if only ~ you would find me~. I have been waiting for you, for a *very* long time, and for the first time, I think I am almost ready to be loved, by you~ ( "whomever you are, whereever you are", morrissey and "I Know it's going to happen, someday" )
old starlight - new starbright
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