prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2001-12-01 - 7:25 p.m.
The Moon is full tonight.
The moon is full and I am empty. This afternoon I felt like I was suffocating in the house, because the air outside is so warm, and springlike, and in the distance of just a few miles, people are happily trimming there Christmas trees and compiling lists for their angelic children. I was trapped in the house, by my own isolation, and refusal to hang out with married friends, because it leaves me feeling much to alone. They speak a cooing language that consists mainly of, " hon" and "Sweetie!" and "gummi bear" and other such nonsensical, cloyingly annoying ,terms of affection, interspersed with the occasional noun and verb. Sometimes they even call me Sweetie, but I have the sneaking suspicion that they really don't *mean* it .
Anyway, on such a beautiful day, like today, I should have walked the dog, but my sulking nature did not allow me. Instead I opted to nap, and curled up on the bed and fell asleep. Mind you, not before noticing that I was positioned slightly wrong, on the bed, and that my foot was crossed in a way that was dangerously uncomfortable, and dangling off the edge of the bed, but my laziness overcame my concern for discomfort. I could have gotten one of those shifty blood clots, that people get when they fly long distances and been *DEAD*, when I woke up, but no such luck! Instead, I awoke with that stinging pins and needles sensation in my foot,and I had noone to blame, but my inherent laziness.
My dog looks at me like I am the whole world. His eyes are huge saucers of love. He sighs, in relieved ecstasy, when he gets to sleep in my bed. He loves to take a nap, and he never worries about blood clots, never ever. He never worries about anything, he only knows love.
but I take him for granted. Tonight I was so restless, so lonely, that the only thing I could do, was get in my car and drive. I hate living in the suburbs, because every house at night, is a shadowbox of suburban perfection. The windows are lit perfectly, so you can see straight through, into their little world of domestic bliss and sugar confection lives. Living rooms, straight out of Pottery Barn catalogs. Flannel pajama clad children, fresh from the dew of their baths, wrestling around noisily, much to the Abercrombie and Fitch, dad's, chagrin. Martha Stewart'esque mothers are in the kitchens, reheating the gourmet food they picked up at the Gourmet market, and little disney kids come running from all corners of the house, to have a " home cooked " meal.
I know that I sound bitter. and I also realise that life is not that perfect, but glimpsed tonight from my car, well, it all seemed to fall into the shadowbox world of happily ever after dreams. Voyeuristic vignettes of simple moments, and I kept driving in circles, following the path of the moon, wondering, where is my home, where is my life, where are my dewy children and my very own Abercrombie and Fitch spouse? Hell, at this point, I would take kids who need a good scrubbing and the Sears and Roebuck man. Well, maybe at the very least, Mr J. crew.
Driving, I just go in circles. I go nowhere, get nowhere, and have nowhere to go. The white moon was still beautiful, looming in front of me, like the only glistening ornament hung on a magnificently huge, bare tree. I cried softly, I cried and drove. Little liquid tears falling on my steering wheel. Noone winessed this, but the moon. No stars out tonight. No stars in my sky. No stars in my sky. Just moon.
Eventually, I come home, to my little sliver of life. I was wrong! Love does wait for me, on my doorstep. My eyes brimming with tears. *He* was waiting for me, when I pulled into the driveway. His eyes, flashing with excitement, because he knows we will play, ~chase the car~. He chases me, herding the car, around and around, in exhuberant circles, until I stop. He bounds on me, when I open the door, he can not hold back his joy.He licks my face, and wraps his fuzzy legs around my waist He does not know that I have been crying. He is just happy to see me. He loves me. He is my Abercrombie and Fitch ~dog~.
He is my big white moon, and to him, I am all the stars in the universe.
old starlight - new starbright
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