prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2001-12-13 - 9:33 a.m.
You have extinguished me~ Finally~
For weeks I have been shivering, and I did not know why.
but now I understand.
You were a mirror for me, and I saw in you, the reflection of all the things,that I wanted to see, that I longed to see, that I * needed * to see. And I was sapphire pools of cooling innocence for you to wade into, whenever the mood struck. But, I had to seek you out, and discover the trail of illusions, you abandoned me in.
You will tell me you did not lie to me, but you folded and unfolded the little white pieces of paper, into origami's of half truths and wishful thinking for me to devour. I sleep above the little paper cranes and nightengales and fans of your artful origami ways, but no longer can I believe in them. What you do not see, is that the absense of truth is still a livng breathing reality of untruthfulness. And the untruth, hurts as much as the unravelling lies.
I would rather you had cut my heart out. Then at least I would have a gaping hole to blame this ache on. I could watch it heal ( against my will, because I somehow sickly relish my role as love's martyr) I could run my fingers along the jagged scar, and watch it fade away. I would be marked on the outside, another casualty of love's war. Maybe I would even get a new starfish shaped heart. Maybe my heart would grow back, bigger and stronger, and defiantly laugh at the tiny ways I *thought* I loved you. But now, that is so far from my reality.
I cried myself to sleep, and woke up trembling, covered in frost. I had to fight and scratch my way awake, and break through the ice. I realize that, in the night ,you had finally extinguished my eternal fidelis flame. Are you happy now? You are no longer my cold half, we are both arctic and alone. And to think, my love for you was once so Hawaiian. Tropical and lush, with overflowing waterfalls and the simmering fire of volcanos and an abyssal cerulean sea, for you to disappear into. But you always remained Arctic, cold and dark, with only layer after layer of more crystalized ice and darkness, beneath your polar ice caps.
Does discovering your truths set me free?
I do not know yet, it is to soon to tell. But I am glad it is winter, it gives me an excuse to feel this cold and
a l o n e
I am closing down, coming to an end. but I have the springtime to look forward to. I long to hear the first bluebird of spring's joyful song. Life goes on, all around me, as it should, but for now, I will be sleeping. I will sleep through this ice storm. I will sleep through the cutting words of your unspoken truths.
but dear god, please I ask you for one favour.
please take my sleeping dreams away. I do not trust myself to not *still* dream of you. and right now, that is just an
u n b e a r a b l e notion.
old starlight - new starbright
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