she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

blustarswendy3

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2001-12-30 - 11:05 a.m.

right now, at this very very moment..

I am so very, very cold. The house was not warm and inviting when I came home last night. Instead it loomed ominous out of the black unlit sky like the haunted house of all my night mares. I can't believe I live in such a cold- dark- huge -house. I ran inside, telling myself to be brave. I flicked on all the lights, and hoped that the ghosts would hide under the beds. I wanted so badly for my dog to be there, but he is in dog jail, until tomorrow. ( the kennel is closed on the weekends)

I have masses of presents to unpack. But I learned the sad truth so many years ago. There is no gift anyone can give me, that will make me happy, the gift I seek, is the one I have to give to myself. Forgiveness, acceptance, resolution, strength, fortitude, love, protection and safety. But it would be so much easier, if it could have come in a big beribboned box, from Target for $29.95. don't ya think?

and driving back from philadelphia last night, I kept wondering, what am I sooooooo afraid of ? and I think I understand now. I am afraid of each day, because it brings me closer to failure. It brings me further away from the sunny days of my porcelin, blonde ringleted splendour of youth. cause baby, I was a

s t a r.

My only true arrognace, has been my unabashed youth. Ah, the brilliant vanity of being able to blame mistakes on having been " to young". Youth is a great excuse for immaturity, and failed relationships, financial disasters, drunken nights, bad career choices, you name it, pretty much the excuse of youth covers it.

and now, according to the age box, I must check off, in lame medical and marketing survey forms, I am horrified to find myself in the 29- 34 age box!! I don't wanna be in this box!

I am not a grown up.

I am not all grown up.

I don't wanna be a grown up.

take the box away. I wanna return to the sulking safety of my teenaged bedroom

with my Seven and the Ragged Tiger Duran Duran poster on the pink wall. I remember those sweet sweet moments spent smearing my wet 'n wild lipsticked lips on Simon Lebon's glossy face. Kissing him goodnight, and then spinning him into elaborate rock star fantasies, where he would pick me out of the fawning crowd and take me away, away from my adolescent bedroom, where the walls were pink, and I was pretty. innocent. The smell of white rain mousse went with me everywhere, I loved playing with the foaming texture, first in my hand, and then watching it magically disolve into my bigdreams/bighair. Sigh, I would spend hours on the phone, laying across my bed, talking to my very best friend about how we were going to go to the same University and marry brothers, and then we would be sisters and our kids would grow up together and be very best friends, and there would be trips to disney world, and birthday parties, and picnics and pony rides.

but.

I don't Know where she is, anymore. One day we just stopped being friends. We never went to Univ together. She went to beauty school instead, and last I heard had about 5 kids, with 5 different fathers.

and my kids, well, I think I owe them an apology.

You used to be so real to me, that I could touch you. I knew your names. I memorized the silhouette of your faces. I promised you, I would show you the world. and swore I would always remember the important things, like cool lunch boxes,and trendy clothes and getting picked up early from school to go shopping and little presents for no reason, and staying up late, to watch a special t.v show. and I would have worn those god damned macaroni necklaces you would have made. and yes, I would have made mistakes, and yelled at you, and felt guilty and cried, but I would never have run out of love. I would have loved you. I would have loved you.

but the house is cold. and dark. the house is empty and cold and dark. and I can't see anywhere from here. and I don't know how to get where you are. cause everywhere I go, you are, and everything I am, you are. but you are not here.

and for that, I am so very very very sorry.

don't wanna be a grown up.

send me back to my room. where the walls were pink. and I was pretty naive. dreaming of being a grown up. and how it was gonna be. cause baby, I was always dreaming of you.

don't wanna be a grown up.

send me to my room.

where the walls were pink.

and I was pretty .

old starlight - new starbright

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