prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2002-01-01 - 10:21 a.m.

Letter to A~

Beautiful girl, who this world has betrayed, always remember how hard you had to fight, just to exist. We had to swim and swim, and find our way to the ripe golden egg of promises. We split and divide and burst with life, becoming bone and flesh and delicate splinters of our parents genetics. We carry the whispered dreams of ancestors long since gone. We grow and grow, and then the safety of the only home we have ever known, pushes us out into the cold, bright world. We are pushed and pulled and squeezed and poked, and then, we are wrapped up in something warm, and stare unfixedly into the weeping eyes of our mothers. We know there is something magical about that moment, although we do not have words or thoughts to describe it, we never ever forget it. We look questionly, and somehow know that we are home, we are home. Because when someone looks at you, with pure love in their misting eyes,well, there can be no better home than that.

But because we grow and grow and grow, we grow into who we are, and sometimes we grow away from ourselves. The promises made to us, by our parents to love and protect us and always keep us safe, do not always come true.When life disappoints you, and steals your spirit, do not give in. Do not surrender to the sadness. We are so much more than the sum of ourself. We are not individuals leading solitary existences, we are all interwoven and connected in a tapestry of shared moments. We are someone's child, someone's sister, someone's aunt, someone's best friend, someone's shoulder to cry on, the keeper of secrets, ours and sometimes someone elses. Secrets can be delicious, but sometimes they can be hurtful too. Beautiful girl, with secrets, you do not have to be alone. These secrets are too much burden, you must let them take flight. I am sorry that you told a few people your secrets and that they did not help.But, You have to keep telling people, until someone hears you! You can not be the only guardian of your secrets. You must entrust someone with the power to help you!

You did nothing wrong, no child ever should live with this truth, but let's get you the help you need. You tell me, it won't work, but humour me. Beautiful girl, you don't believe in anyone, because the world has never given you anyone that you could rely on. Well, I am here now. And you don't seem to know what to do with me. I tell you, I won't leave you, but you continue to test me, by trying to push me away. I understant that you need to trust me. I understand that trusting someone is hard. But I need you to not want to leave me. I want you to know that together we can help you fight scratch claw your way back home. But I need you to promise me, that you won't stop fighting. You tell me that you are not strong. I know that you are. Every day that you wake up, is a testimony to your strengths. I hate that you hurt yourself because you need to feel something.A releasal of emotional pain, through physical pain. I asked you if you would ever cut me. and you said " of course not" and then I asked you why.

you answered " because I don't want to hurt you "

well, if you don't want to hurt me, then don't go away. don't go away, beautiful girl. don't leave me here alone, with the threads of could of's, should of's, if only i would of's.

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