prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-02-09 - 1:50 p.m.
this morning, I made a sad desperate little phone call to my mother, complaining that I had no friends, and was staring down the barrel of an empty lonely weekend. I love my mother. She understands. She listens, and objects when I call myself a pathetic loser, and she bangs the gavel and introduces evidence to the contrary and pleas my case. and I am always the rabid prosecuting atourney, visciously attacking my charactor and judgements and choices. My mother overrules me. She calms me down, and tries to actually help.
She is so cute in a meddling kind of way. After we hung up, she called me right back and said, "I have planned your day for you. This is what you are going to do. You are going to get out of bed." ( I faintly object at this point, because I like the coccoon of my duvet wrapped depression) She ignores me and says, "then you are going to get dressed and take the dog for a long walk. It will raise your serotonin levels, and let's face it, a little exercise never hurt anyone. Then you are going to go back home and drop the dog off. And then you are going to go to a bookstore. and find some nice literature and browse and sit in one of those big overstuffed chairs. and Then, you are going to go to a nursery and buy yourself a plant. I want you to get a bright fuschia one. That is always the colour I think of when I think of you. And then you are going to get a video at the video store,maybe one of those arty foreign kind's that you are so fond of and then you are going to pick up some exotic take out food, because I won't make you eat out alone, that is just too difficult, unless you bring a book.. but anyway, then you will come home, and eat your take out, and go online, and you are going to look into some sort of group to join. I mean, dear, there must be a group you can join. "( i roll my eyes at this point, but realize it does not have the same dramatic effect when the party you are aiming it at, can not SEE you, because you are on the phone ) and oh yeah here is the clincher.. my mother actually said, "and this way, you will be home by seven, and then I won't have to worry about you, and you are going to call me and tell me how your day went."
" I am?" I replied?
'" but mom, what is the point, if I do all those things, you already know what happened, and how it went"
" yes but dear, you never know. you could meet someone."
insert painful heart stabbing ache here.
" mom, please don't say that. I do not ever want to hear words like that again. I do not want people smiling at me, when I fawn over their darling babies, and smarmily tell me don't worry your day will come, or even worse, the dreaded , there is someone out there that is just perfect for you, just you wait . ... mommy, I don't ever want to hear those words, EVER. can you understand that it just h u r t s too much ? I want to be ok, without those, out of reach vague paper thin promises that very well may NEVER come to fruition. I feel bad enough for myself, I don't need anyone else coming to my pity party. and why is it that I can't have a spinster party? why can't I register somewhere as a loser, and pick out china, and linens, and crystal? TELL ME WHY THAT IS?"
I just might send out invitations. A Spinster Shower. I am gonna offer cocktails served bitter and straight up.
and when my mom calls me to ask how my fun filled day was, I am gonna lie. and say I went out. because well. she does not need to know that I have no intention of helping myself, I mean come on, self pity is just sooooooo rewarding.
old starlight - new starbright
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