prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2002-02-13 - 2:16 p.m.

Recently I have been afraid to die. I am gettting panic attacks of my own, and the room spins, and I look down at my hands, to have something to focus on, and I see the wrinkles on the back of my once youthful smooth hands, and it overlays on the memory of my grandmother's arthritically crippled hands, and then I start to get dizzier and I have to close my eyes, and count to 20, as I swirl in the overwhelming choking blackness of despair that envelops me. and I wonder why am I so afraid? so I ask myself.

Wendy why are you so afraid?

and I think it is because I feel so unfinshed. so undone. so incomplete. so alone. so party of one. and I used to believe in god, and I used to believe in fate and destiny. I almost banked on it. as if I felt I had a great karmic cash advance line. and plenty of good luck in the bank. Ah, the arrogance of once believing that I was born for something great. That I was assured of being happy and fulfilled. so I spent my 20's just pretty much cruising along, not worrying about anything. Travelling, making friends, luxury weekends away to Boston, room service in NY hotels, trolling the mall for empty purchases, just because, I was filling in time, until my greatness arrived.

well, it never did. and one by one my friends flew away. and the weekends in hotels stopped being so much fun, when only a single lonely toothbrush stretches out on the marble ledge. and I just kind of stopped believing in anything, because , clearly my destiny had never arrived. and it is with a palpable ache, that I can almost see the faces of the children, I once dreamed of having. they disappeared into the mist, and disipated into the empty space that permeates my every step.

but. then I remembered. some things. some things that I have no explanation for. like, the night, I was dreaming about a series of numbers on a black board. they were cryptic looking, and filled the entire wall, and at the bottom of the formula was a final number. and I awoke with a start. a gasping realization, as I sat straight up in bed. and finished the equation in my head, and realized that I was the subtraction of my parents birthdays. Because suddenly, I translated, the month of my mother's birthday, which is November and equals the 11 month and the month of my fathers birthday, which is march and equals the 3rd month and subtracting 11 from 3 , I came up with 8 which = August. Then I subtracted the date of my mothers birthday ( the 19th ) with the date of my father's ( march 6th) and came up with 13. My birthdate is Aug 13. this came to me in a dream, a dream. what are the chances of that ?

and then there was the time, that I was visiting my friend Erica in Philadelphia and again, I was sound asleep and dreamt that a mutual friend of ours, named Johnny ( someone that I have always felt very cosmically connected to, almost as in a past life kind of way ) had fallen into a black hole, and was crying out for help. I was struggling to reach into the veil of blackness and pull him out, but as hard as I tried, he was always just barely out of reach. And once Again, I awoke with a start. and I was so unsettled that I could not go back to sleep. I just lay there, wide awake in the dark, my heart pounding a thudding echo of dread as yet unrealized. and feeling helpless and not knowing what to do. All day I could not shake the feeling, and even though I felt silly saying it, I told Erica, that I had a strange sense that Johnny was in Imminent danger, and it was so strong, I wondered if I should call him and warn him. She looked at me, and as my best friend she knows that I am very intuitive. and emotional. and she did not dismiss it at all, but as I did not actually know what I would be warning him against, we decided not attempting to call him, besides, he lived halfway across the world. A few hours later, Erica was watching t.v. and I was in the kitchen cooking, and she screamed out loud " WENDY WHERE DOES JOHNNY LIVE IN JAPAN???" and my heart seizing up with terror, i yelled " kobe, why???" and she told me to come quick, she was watching the first news reports coming in, from Japan, about the massive earthquake that had struck Kobe just a few hours ago. and here I was, face to face, with the dread and terror of my dream, the tv set was filled with the devastation and death tolls, and yet, I sat down, and collected myself, and felt a sense of relief and calm wash over me. I could see into the heart of the disaster, and I could feel that johnny my johnny was ok. The worst had passed. and we tried to contact him but all communication was down, and a few weeks later, we did hear from him, and he described in detail how his house shook, and walls came down, and how he got out, in the pitch black, crawling oh his hands and knees to him mothers room, and finally carried her out, and somehow they escaped safely. and he made me promise if I ever got that " feeling" again, about him, that I would contact him, and he would always heed my warning. I can not explain why I felt the way I did, or how it felt because none of it makes any sense and yet, it makes perfect sense.

The episodes continue, almost to numerous to list, none as dramatic as the Johnny one, sometimes they are just simple flashes. I can read my mother's mind, which is to say, not as predictable as finishing her sentences, but also, reading the thoughts or the word she is caught on, before the one she is meaning to say comes to her mind. We are so in synch that it is almost comical. One time I was in the shower, and rinsing my hair, and all of a sudden I said aloud. I have to buy silverware for mommy. and when I called her later in the day she told me her epic tale of being in a dept store and wanting to buy Silverware but she was distracted by the kids, and had to leave and was mad because she never purchased the silverware.

I have predicted deaths, and broken bones, and dreamt about babies before their expectant mother's even knew that they were headed their way, and quite often I know the sex. I do not attempt to make opinions, sometimes I just know these things. and I wonder why it does not work when it comes to playing the lotto, but it is not anything I can control. It is hard to explain, except to say that it comes in flashes of colours and thoughts, and sound and it is a feeling that just invades me so much, that I can not ignore it. Sometimes when I meet someone for the first time, and we shake hands or lock eyes, it is then that I get a flash or sensation, and it tells me how to read that person. I can walk into any room, and pick up on the emotional state of most of the people there. It is exhausting though, to absorb people's emotions. and not often do I pick up the good, usually it seems like I am attracted to the sad emptiness. which pretty much sums me up entirely

I don't wanna be this way, but I really do not know any other way~

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