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prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-03-14 - 9:38 a.m.
I feel like I am emotionally on hold. It is a peculiar sensation. I am so used to the overflowing ways of my heart, a blue crystal waterfall pouring into an emerald abyss and now I am still, and silenced.
I dream of fragrant cherry blossoms, and trees heavy with magnolias, bowing at my feet. I dream about you, white with winter's alabaster rinse, stepping into the first sunlight of spring and handing me a fistful of wilting daisy's. I dream of your kiss alighting on my lips, as slivers of spring rain fall all around us.
The other day, you finally looked me in the eye. I saw myself in the reflection of those bright orbs I know so well. and it was wonderful to see the return of your half moon smile. Your laugh enchants me like no other.
I do not have any expectations, and this is such a relief. I no longer overflow endlessly for you. I am becoming self contained. I have accepted my lonlieness, as an ache that will not relent. I am learning to live with only the sound of my own voice, and I am trying to forget the sensation of your hand sweeping soft tendrils of haloed yellow curls from my flushed face, as you kiss my glittering neck. Somethings, I can not forget. I can not cremate all of my exquisite memories of you, but I can set free the mandarin butterflies of my longing, that p a p e r c h a i n s me to you.
maybe the springtime will finally set me free. maybe this will be the year I learn to be enough, for myself.
I am ok. I am not ok.
I am enough. I am not enough.
I love you. is that ok?
p.s. why is that just not enough?
old starlight - new starbright
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