prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-03-18 - 10:11 a.m.
This is an apology, to myself.( and to two little girls and a boy) This is me learning to accept the truths that I have spun for myself. I have dreamed so much of your faces, that I grow accustomed to your every nuance, I can see you so clearly, that I could paint you with my eyes closed. You are the children of my dreams, I have always been able to touch the thought of you, cling to the very idea of you, curl up into the space of your tiny hands reaching out for mine.
Two little girls and a boy. You do not exist, but you do exist. just like me. just like me. I have always known your names, you have always been Sage, Zara and Bliss. and you were supposed to come to me, be born into flesh and bone, carved and sculpted by my deep deep love for you and someone else. Every month my heart bleeds for you, and I whisper " I am sorry" And even though I know you are supposed to be here, I do not know how to tear the fabric of time, and transport you into my arms, through a portal of fate.
And People are kind, and try to tell me, in sweet ways," oh do not worry dear, I am sure you will have children someday." and I wince. and I crumble. and I ache. Because I have to let go. I have to translate my dreams, into reality. The truth is delivered unto me every day. and I want to be ok with this. I need to be ok with this. and my reasons for always wanting children needs to be examined, I suppose I was looking for some thing to complete me, an excuse for being ordinary, for children are the extra, in extraordinary. I am not endless, but my heart would be my legacy, my love would live on. I thought this was my eternity.But now, I am not sure this is a very good reason to bring someone into the world. Watching Terms of Endearment, caused me to realize how unbearable it must be, to have to leave your children behind, tucked in earthly beds, whilst you drip like diamonds through the celestial stars.
and my life goes on, in ways that do not allow for an oppurtunity for a child. My social life, has folded in upon me, my job consumes me, and my shallowness threatens to be the end of me. My younger sister, Alyssa is pregnant with her second baby. and she did everything right. She married her High School Sweetheart. and they have a mini van and a 4 bedroom house. and she buys grown up things like dining room tables, instead of Ferragomo Handbags. and they take educational vacations, instead of galivanting through Europe on a whim. and she has health insurance and silverware. and I have pedicures and expensive dinners out.
So,I suppose I will be the eccentric Aunt, and live up to my role with a certain flair and drama. and I hope I will come to terms with this, and never look back, with regrets and what if's. I want to be ok. with this. I need to say it aloud. I need to feel it, sink into my bones. I need to be free from the dreams and the guilt and the sadness of letting go of a beautiful dream, held so tightly by my grasping heart.
Two little girls and a boy, come with me everywhere. I will never have to leave them behind, and in a sense I have become my own child. and like all children I am willful and sullen and prone to temper tantrums. But I take myself to museums, and buy myself flowers, and gucci handbags and pray that someday I grow up to make ~myself~ proud. I have to live my life not just for myself, but for Sage, Zara and Bliss. and take comfort in the realization that half of our earthbound life is spent in dreams, and that is where I am free to run and play ~with two little girls and a boy~ That ~are~ always with me.
shhh, this is my dream. this is me, being set free~
old starlight - new starbright
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