prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-06-24 - 1:26 p.m.
top 10 suggestions that my mother has actually made, to me, to supposedly help me in my desperate bid to land a man ( and then become very angry with me, when I responded to her suggestions with either uncontrollable fits of laughter and/or sobs )
10. "Attend church" and try to keep all possibilities wide open. Mumsy would even ALLOW me to seek religions outside of her, I mean my, supposed faith. In other words, look for me , appearing soon at a Kaballah temple near YOU!!
9. "Volunteer at a hospital" and frequent the cafeteria in a saucy attempt to troll for available yet socially inept interns and/ or foreign anesthesiologists who are in the market for a big blonde with excellent breeding hips
8. "Join a gym" and whilst working up an alluring glistening sweat, chat up the chubby, pasty, corporate guy next to me, and suggest we become each other's inspiration for peak physical fitness! (something neither one of us has a chance in hell of attaining.)Bond over numerous pints of Hagen Das and eventually have 3 chubby, pasty kids
7. "Go to a bookstore", and pose in front of the relationship self help section whilst absentmindedly twirling my hair and suggestively thumbing through the pocket size guide to kama sutra ( ok ok, my mother did NOT ACTUALLY SUGGEST THE KAMA SUTRA, since she is a typical Catholic nagging mom and would never ever ever EVER encourage carnal relations unless of course it was a sincere purely scientific attempt to guarentee her legitimate grandchildren of the unbastardly kind)
6. Seek out needy " lovely available divorced dads" at the park and initiate a friendly converation wherein, I sympathise about what a total bitch their ex wife is, whilst subtly unbuttoning the top button of my blouse and flashing my pearly whites, which will clearly signal that I am of good breeding stock , very compsassionate and perfect step mother material for their dysfunctional A.D.H.D brady bunch kids.
5. "go back to school to earn a master's degree" and dumb down my responses in class and possibly find a sexy tutoring partner that can be tricked into a short trip down the aisle, and eventually an even shorter trip to the dominican republic to undo it all.
4." broaden horizons and become more cultural" hmmph, perhaps she wants me to become amish.( note to self, must search google about ways to sensually churn butter) Offer to help raise Ezekiel's barn. maybe even find self betrothed, to second cousin jebediah. convince him to run away to Las Vegas so I can live out my life long dream of becoming a glittering drag queen performer and he can become Siegfried's (not Roy's) lion tamer, which will of course, appeal to his long suffering, emotionally/sexually repressed nature and practically guarentee a perfect long term marriage! EVERYONE WINS!
3. " put yourself out there" must mean auction self on ebay. I have a great buyer credit rating due to my copious Morrissey memorabilia purchasing! this is definately a doable possibility!
2. "stop overplucking" my eyebrows. My mother swears that no man would ever be attracted to a girl with overplucked eyebrows. Guareenteed to procure a man in 24 hours after full chia eyebrow transplant. and the number one sugestion to guarentee me a man... is :::: drumroll please:::
1. become a lesbian!! Full stop. everyone knows all men love lesbians who wear short skirts and body glitter. wait, maybe she actually said " become a thespian " I am confused.
my mother is a wise wise woman.After I rejected all of her suggestions, She has decided to resort to plan b, which basically is an almighty chanting of a potent 72 hour novena effective midnight 4/25. She told me to be prepared. for a n y t h i n g.
I told her to bring it on!!!!!! I am not afraid of her novenas! cause I know I have a stronger kind of power of offputtingness!!! SPINSTER POWER!!!!!!!!!! Behold the power of ME!
old starlight - new starbright
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