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prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2002-08-13 - 9:10 a.m.
dear blue butterfly of longing,
Today is my birthday. Today is my birthday and I am neither happy nor sad. Mostly I am just alone. My mother keeps calling to see how I am. I think she is worried. I tried to ignore it, push it away, pretend that it was not really my birthday.
But the thought infiltrated my brain, crawled under the landscape of my weak sub conscious and started sending me a complicated web of dark thoughts and instant messages.
Wendy'sBrain: You are old now! So very old. OLD And ALONE. and we all know what happens to old chicks who are alone. Better stock up on cat food!
Wendy'sReply: Shut up!
Wendy'sBrain: God, is this how you thought you were gonna end up?
Wendy'sReply: it's not that bad.
Wendy'sBrain: it's not that good, either.
I am happy about moving into my sweet little house but I can only live there, on sporatic weekends. Stolen moments of a patchwork solitary life. I am trying to make my tiny slice of life more filling, spreading it thin, desperately trying to make it fit, make it cover me in the endless, shivering nights of empty.
I stretched myself into twisted pieces of sub content. I am trying to let this be enough. Dear god, when will it ever be enough. I am 32. I am 32. this is young, but this is not far from old. and old is not far from the grave. but i do not fear death. I fear dying before I have lived enough.
and yet, tonight, I sleep in an 8 million dollar gilded cage and all I want is my tiny life in the little doll house of my dreams. oh, to sleep beneath the canopy of your sheltering smile. Why is my life in dreams, so out of reach? where did I go wrong? where did I go right?
ten years ago, I was in london. Ten years ago, I was a shiny girl full of hope. Ten years ago, the eggs in my ovaries were ripe with promise. Ten years ago, my lips were as yet unkissed by yours. Ten years ago, the whole world lay at my feet, the ocean a glittering alexandrite skirt of sequined promise, the sky a ceiling stretched with an endless offering of lemon sorbet dawn, and me on my knees kissing your halo, of golden lights, Oh my golden boy. you were such an archangel of love,always filling my cradle of empty. You were birthday presents stacked to the cathedral ceilings of my stained glass dreams.
You were worth it. If this is my pennance, then so it shall be my fate. I have kissed the dream of our children good night. Bid farewell to us and packed up the memory of your light.
Pandora's box is nothing compared to mine. I have no skeletons. I have only the ghost of you. Your bones tread this earth. Your bones are not hollow. Your bones do not rattle. You are chained to a brunette manequin of lovely and the blue butterfly of longing flutters above me, as I lay sleeping.
today is my birthday.
and you sleep the sleep of the innocent.
if only you missed me just a little. maybe it would hurt a little less.
happy birthday to me~
old starlight - new starbright
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