prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2002-10-27 - 11:53 a.m.

Driving through the rolling hills of Upstate New York, I rolladexed through all my dark empty thoughts as usual. Driving in the car, is my pavlovian therapy, without fail, the silence brings my mind to all of the things that I try to block out during the week and I end up questioning my very existence and wishing myself somewhere far from this gravity filled world. Somewhere where I can cease to be so overflowing with emotions that I can not contain or organize into neat little piles.

I feel like such a failure. Spiritually bereft, a wasted existence. I have contributed nothing to this world, and spun myself into a lonely dark web, that I endlessly complain about, but must sickly enjoy since I have made no motion to remove myself from it. I make vague promises to myself to change my life, but I feel so trapped, that there is a comfort in just resigning myself to this fate. Surrendering into the murkiness of self contempt and waking up half numb for the rest of my life.

there is no passion or sparkle anymore. Nothing excites me.

I used to be overly passionate, and blissfully naive. Continually reaching for the shiny new toy on the high shelf, promising myself that this time would indeed be different. That this one amazing " object" would render me blissfully happy for years to come. Of course that NEVER happened, but I never failed to fall into this self defeating trap.

Oh the things I have coveted in my life. I remember the moments , each more wonderful than the next, the materialistic things that I was convinced would deliver me happiness on a silver platter. and for a small glimmering moment they did indeed,

here is a partial list of things i had to have, or thought I would die if I didn't get them*

a blonde doll, in a spectacular velvet dress ( never played with her, but I could finally sleep, once I did get her after all those sleepless nights wondering HOW could I manage to somehow aquire her)

a ten speed bike, tan and red ( eventually received for my 9th birthday, grew bored with it )

the full color pictorial book of princess diana's wedding ( purchased with a crisp 20 $ bill, that I begged out of my mother's hands after much pleading and or tears )

a 10 gallon aquarium ( once again rendering me sleepless for the first few nights of ownership because all i did was stare at the little fish, never turning off the lights in there water world, and eventually losing all of them in a freak heating accident where in, the heater malfunctioned and boiled all of them, into a tropicalfish boilabase while I was at school one day. and made me sick to the core of my being, that I failed them in there hour of need)

a lovely artistic boy whom I fell madly in love with and made me taste stars in the rain ( and then he promptly fell in love with a beautiful arty boy who made him taste rainbows )

a semester abroad in london ( and I cried so hard on the flight back to Newark, that the lovely steward on flight came and sat next to me, and held my hand, and asked me what was wrong )

3 more years in london ( i promised myself that true happiness could be mine, if only i could have a few more years in london so I transferred to a Univ there after I returned from my first semester abroad)

trips to paris, belgium, amsterdam, copenhagen, salzberg, munich, rome, florence, milan, madrid , dublin ( each one was the fulfillment of a life long dream to travel through europe, and quell some of the insatiable desire I possessed to live in Europe, each one like a distant friend, elusive and inviting, when viewed from the outside and all I wanted was back in )

and the lilac ferragamo handbag, the kate spade clutch, the little turquoise gucci shoulder bag and matching wallet, and pink suede gucci bag and the pashminas in every shade of pink, the swarvorski crystal tiara, and several thousand dollars later. none of these things have I ever used but at the time of my manic shopping spree one afternoon, it made perfect sense. and was going to bring me endless true happiness. I promised myself. clutching with glee the shiny shopping bags, walking home with the sun swirling on my face, and paper thin happiness tucked in my heart, behind a stack of credit card receipts.

and now, my little blue moon house. the one that I am seldom at. but here is a pic of my sitting room, in my bedroom, as it comes together.

I have a long way to go. yet. Much more vision for window treatments and crown moulding and a fabric headboard. and a custom made fabric cocktail ottaman and vanity chair. and a small fabric covered bench for the foot of my bed. with tassles. all are the result of my copious promises to myself in the darkness that if I have beautiful curtains hanging in my far away room, in the far away house that I am never at, then perhaps, just maybe, I will finally be happy.

and so, at the end of my drive through the autumnal vista of upstate new york, each rounding curve, spilling into a painting of such 3 dimensional gilded beauty that it literally took my breath away, my car speeding along the hills, racing the falling leaves to the bottom of the cow filled valleys. The apple scented air cool and crisp outside my car window and then, the fog swirled in, and enrobed me in a cloak of fine mist. Suddenly I was no longer able to see where I was going or where I had been. My thoughts at once spiritual and profound, decided to revert to my annanicolesmith moronic rationale.

and in that one glistening instance, Somewhere on RT 87 North, I came to the conclusion that I want a new car.

to be exact- I want *this* car!!!

and predictably. I have decided that I can not LIVE without it.

I felt myself coming back to life. My breath came in gasping rasps, the manicness of my thoughts pulsing me back to colour . I FELT ALIVE AGAIN. and in that defining moment, I knew that I had to have this CAR. THe house and the handbags and the trips and the tiara's just did not teach me anything.

sad. eh?

I remain the one constant in my life. Predictably shallow and pathetic.

depressed and manic.

but oh my god, I LOVE THIS CAR!

and someday ( hopefully in a year or so, I am already scheming the financing) YOU WILL BE MINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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