prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2003-01-10 - 10:32 a.m.
I think I could be an actress on a movie set now. I passed a crew filming on location, down the street from where I live, and I thought for the first time, maybe i could be an actress. I could just so easily become someone else. I am blank. I am empty. I could canvas pain, channel regret, showcase unhappiness, and give an oscar worthy crying scene, in a heartbeat. I can fake a smile, say my lines and feign joy, because that is what my life has become. Making it easier for the strangers who encounter me day to day. I give them the obligatory polite exchanges that we have come to expect from one another. I can do this, I can pretend, because it is not me. I am gone. I imagine myself somewhere very very far away. Somewhere submerged deep underwater. somewhere. but definately not here.
My eyes can see the world, from where I lay. Occasionally, I glimpse something quite startling, my own reflection like smashed floral tiles at the bottom of a lagoon and it brings me immediately to the surface choking on sea weed and salt water. and I am forced to remember. ~this is my life~. this is me. this is the girl i was. this is the girl disappearing that I am. I am not growing up, I am growing away. I am not interested in these words that i am saying, I am far away even as I type. I do not care . why should you. but still,~ I wish you well~
come into the cerrulean dreamscape, come down with a lock of your hair and watch the stars from under the meditterean sea. Bring me your glass heart and let the salt water, smooth out the broken edges,let me cut myself on your words as you swallow our tears.
come down into me. sink us deeper, sink us closer apart. come down bringing your long lost lovers, one and all. we'll have a bizare love triangle tea party.
we are all damaged. this is the sound of my bittersweet surrender. I loved you, you know. I loved you and we both took that for granted.
You always knew where I could be found.
always somewhere beneath you. always beneath you.
I loved you.
I loved you, but this time,for us, it may truly be, simply a moment too late.
old starlight - new starbright
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