prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2003-07-23 - 10:09 a.m.
the numbers are racing past, wide open spaces float in between the sinewy curve of my gripping hand, I can't contain a thought, or hold onto a single moment. Time speeds up and then all the molecules seem to freeze frame and my mind shutters and clicks like a camera on delay. I forget the days of the week, and only see a stranger looking back at me, in the reflection of my fractured smile. And so, in your typical casual way, you tell me to try therapy. tell me that maybe I need professional help.to understand why noone I was ever with really loved me or even cared at all. But the only thing that I ever needed was for you to be kinder. To be softer. to take the time to make me feel more real and less like a seeping guilty stain, a reminder of our countless sins , that you frantically tried to wash away. Oh, it was a cruel tango that we danced.Such fleeting circumstance, no hope to feast upon, i do not exist anymore.
well. the girl you knew.
does not exist anymore.
this is not my phoenix.
you are not my holocaust.
it was never fate.
or destiny
for us to end up this lost
when all i ever did
was offer you the very best of me
and so I sing loudly in the car. and for a split second I forget. and then suddenly I remember. and it crashes and rattles me to the core. something is broken. something has disappeared. and I have tried so honest to god, mother fucking hard to swallow. it all. and not choke on the bones. of our decay. since you. went all kinds of far away. and the worst part is, I just can't fix this on my own, anymore and honestly, I can't even be bothered to care much about that anymore. either.
so, this is what giving up feels like. this is what severe dpression feels like( inside my head)
If you have never felt this way. Get down on your knees and thank whoever it is that you give thanks too.
and if you have felt this way. Broken and flawed. and alone. and ~surrendered~
to never, ever escaping the darkness. take heed, for even in our darkest hours.
as alone as you think you are, there is always someone else who will understand. Someone Who has felt the exact same way as you.
Even shadows need light to survive.
old starlight - new starbright
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