prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2003-09-12 - 1:30 p.m.
I am leaving for Florida, tomorrow morning, for 3 weeks. My life as I know it, has come to an end. Sept 1, I left Greenwich. forever.Left behind the two children that I loved like my own and took care of every day for 6 and a half years.
I am now living at my house in Syracuse.
This week I had to turn down several amazing job oppurtunities, each for over a $1,000 a week. They were in Manhattan and St Thomas And Palm Beach and Pennsylvania. The one in Manhattan was for an incredibly wealthy family who owned 7 floors in a luxury high Rise, and I would have had my own floor. They wanted to hire me on the spot, but I took some time to think about it. Good thing too.
I would have been all city chic, dressing in black and galavanting down the sidewalks, leaving the click of my expensive heels in my wake. Spending crisp ~Autumn in New York~ Saturdays, Window Shopping at Barneys,then testing eye liners at Sephora, and then So Ho boutique shop hopping and swank evenings in art galleries musing about hip artist's work, whilst nibbling on delicate little Hor D'oevres and swilling pinot Grigio , but not now.
not ever.
because I am pregnant.
yes, pregnant. It is official, I may be the only spinster in the history of the world, who is knocked up.
and For some bizarre twist of fate, It happened on my birthday.
It is all so very, very unexpected. and SHOCKING!
and I have never been so scared in my life.
I used my life savings for the down payment on my house,and my stock portfolio crashed when the market took the hit and to make matters worse I have no health Insurance. I may be the only person in the medicaid office, with a gucci handbag. Maybe I should leave it at home, when I go.
and I live in an area, where blue collar is the norm. 19 K is a damn good salary to these people. and you can be sure that everyone in the white collar world is holding onto their jobs like a barnacle on a sinking ship.
and yet, I am somehow going to have to find a way to do this alone. And it was always my dream to have a child, but then one day, I thought to myself, it is never going to happen to me, so I tried to come to terms with it. I love my nieces, I love being an Aunt. But this is so much different. This is huge! This is 2 am feedings, and braces, and mortgage payments and new soccer cleats, and how am I going to make this work?
I have cried non stop since I found out. I must admit, even I was surprised at my own reaction, nothing can prepare you for the shock of a pink stripe appearing, where none should be, on a home pregnancy test. So you take 3 more, because you can't believe your eyes. and they all confirm it.
I took to my bed for two days. I couldn't tell if I had morning sickness or if I had made myself sick. I think it was a mix of both. There are so many complications to this story, more than I can even try explain . love, passion, broken promises, desperate friendship, lust,the cure, kindness, generousity, depression, obsession, music, laughter, madness, kinship, poetry, betrayal. I am sure the story will unfold in time.
The baby is Due May 7, 2004.
and so it begins.
I wonder if it is a boy, or a girl~
old starlight - new starbright
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