prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2003-10-18 - 6:22 p.m.
I have struggled for a while, about what to say in here, because nothing inside my head is pretty or magical or poetic, right now. This is truly, the lonliest, scariest, most difficult time in my life, and though I have wonderful friends and family, noone really understands what I am going through. How could they, when I seem to be unable to even process it all, myself.
At night, I have trouble sleeping, my thoughts are like clawing ravens, swooping down upon me. and in those long dark hours I think about how,
I have this exquisite little creature growing inside of me, and how sad it is that I can't be happy or excited at all. All my life I have dreamed of having a baby of my very own, but not like this. Not so alone. I am living off of my dwindling savings, and my career oppurtunities in this area look bleak. A college degree means nothing in this wintery, grey town.
I am 11 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. The baby is about an an inch and a half long and unbelieveable as it seems, although miniscule in size, he or she is almost fully formed. The tooth buds are already in the gums, and the sex is discernible. The baby free floats and can move and flutter in it's little aquatic nest, pirhouetting like a water ballet star in it's waking hours. In a few weeks, it will begin to recognize the sound of my voice.
I want so much for him/her to only hear beautiful sounds. Everynight, before sleep, I light a scented candle, turn out all the lights and We listen to gorgeous music, like the cure and coldplay, but the truth is, whenever we do, I curl up on my side and quietly cry. I never thought it would be like this. I can't have any joy in this experience. Because this is not the way it is supposed to be. Money is such a necesscary evil. Everyone tries to tell me, don't worry, it will all work out in the end, babies only need love. But babies need so much more than that, and I want so much more for my child. than. me.
I have lost my fight, but not my hope. I am hopeful that I will hear the baby's heartbeat at my dr's appointment, on Monday. This baby, with it's own ancestors and secrets and dna that is different than mine, needs to be more real to me. I need to hear the rapid thumping, of their tiny little heart that sounds more like galloping horses. I need to fight for that precious life, tucked deep inside of me, and become more of a warrior. My body knows that the baby comes before me, the baby takes all it's nutrients first, and I get whatever is left over. This is no longer just about me, anymore. For the first time ever, someone else has to come before me. before my wants. my needs. my fears.
being afraid is not an option that I can afford.
I am a mother now.
from now, until the day I die.
For the first time ever. I am someone's home. A tiny life needs me. and sadly, I am all that they have.
please god, let me be enough.
old starlight - new starbright
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