prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2003-11-03 - 9:21 p.m.

I need there to be magicalness and meaning, in this unexpected pregnancy that occured like some kind of bizarre science experiment that my own body conducted without my knowledge.

I keep thinking about the day that this happened. How ordinary that it all started out.How extraordinary that it all ended up.

It was my birthday, but as usual, I had no plans. Instead I opted to watch my young nieces, so that there parents could enjoy a night of dinner and theatre in NYC.

We spent the day playing baby games, and going out to friendly's for conehead monster sundae's. I fed the girls all of the ice cream but coyly stole their reese's peanut butter cup monster ears when they weren't looking.

I remember that it was very hot that day,it felt like the summer humidity baked you dry and then rinsed you off in your own sweat.

I struggled to get them into there car seats, how sweet they looked in there matching sundresses.and I thought about how much I adore spending time with them. My beautiful nieces mean the world to me. In all my life, I have never felt such pure love like this. My favorite thing in the world is to hold out my hand and have a ~ just learned to walk~ toddler latch onto a finger, and stroll with me. You see the world differently, in that moment. You notice every passing flower and butterfly, and they always point and try to share everything that they see with you, as if, they are showing the wonders of the world to you, for the very first time.

Eventually, we came home, and I gave them a bath, only I couldn't resist, because the water felt so cool, and I was still so hot, so I just jumped into the tub with them!! Of course, my 2 year old niece thought that was a fabulous trick, since I was still wearing my clothes!! We splashed and made bubble milkshakes and I pretended to drink them all, and we laughed and played. Birthdays should always be fun like this.

When it came time for bed, the baby, went right down, without any fuss. I held her softly, and smelled the curve of her curls, how sweet like strawberries they seemed, and with a kiss on her forhead, she fell asleep instantly. Gently I laid her in her crib and took my two year old niece to read some stories. We read and read, each story ended with her yelling in a loud excited tone " ONE MORE STORY!!!!!"

I noticed then, that you could see the stars from my bed. On some nights, the half moon windows, capture the night sky perfectly, like your very own starry night painting, and you are able to lay in bed, and view the starlit world. and so I turned to her and said, " Annaka, pick a star!and make a wish!!"

and so we did. I watched her in total concentration search the stars, and close her eyes,tight, trying hard to make her wish! Then she looked at me, and said, excitedly " what you wish for, Wenny??"

and before I could even think about it, I heard myself, say out loud, " Oh Annaka, I wished that someday I would have a beautiful little girl, just like You!!

babydoll"

and, in that instant, her deep brown rabbit eyes, widened with spectacular wonder, and she exclaimed in two year old excitment "you GONNA be a MAMA?????"

I laughed at the absurdity of the mere thought and I tickled her, and replied, "oh baby, you ARE my little girl, and I couldn't ask for a more perfect girl than you, " and then I smothered her with kisses, and she laughed and I began to tell her a fairy tale, and soon she too, fell fast asleep.

I remember my arms were still twined around her perfect little body, and I thought about the what she had said. "Me, a mama.pshhshsh" "how unlikely." and then, I slipped myself from the bed, and walked across the nightlit threshold,

and just then, my phone rang. It was 10:30 pm.

and.

and.

and.

I would be pregnant, before the last star fell from the midnight sky.

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