wendchymes

she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2004-02-01 - 10:52 a.m.

Being back in Greenwich, has been very strange indeed. It feels like I have reentered my life, in a waking/dream state, but everything that once was, is all so very surreal now. I am just doing some temp nannying, so I am living in a different house, caring for different children, and now I have my own precious baby kicking inside of me, and all the people that I used to know, both friends and lovers are no longer accessible to me. I have lost my connection to everyone, through time and circumstance and life.

Everything changes, yet, part of me still remains the same, and so, I end up feeling like I am chasing all the ghosts of my past.

Seeing the children that I used to nanny for, was very painful. I spent 6 years of my life, 24 hours a day with them, and now, it as if I barely existed to them. They have managed fine without me, in these 6 months that I have been gone. It is very humbling, to see how little I mattered in the great scope of their life.

and so, I have the remnants of other ghosts to put to bed. I am not very good at endings, I am learning that sometimes, ~always ~ really means, until I don't need you anymore.

Last night I dreamt about someone that once meant the world to me. In the dream, it was as if I was viewing my time spent with this person, in flickering video images,desperately looking for the exact black and white still, of our once upon a time closeness. I wanted so badly to freezeframe that moment, and jump back into the portal of that beautiful vista.

but you can never reenter your past. You can not change circumstance that has already occured or take back painful words exchanged.

the sooner I realise this, the better off I will be.

Truly the only thing that I have now, in this world. is this. little baby.

this baby that kicks me awake at 3 am, this baby that hears my voice in the far distant edges of it's universe. this baby that knows nothing more than floating in a dark waterscape, this baby that wakes me up when it has the hiccups and kicks me as if it is my fault and Now, when I place my hand on the huge round bump that my stomach has become, I can feel the kicking on the outside as well.

and I think, with wonder.

this is MY baby!

this baby that I somehow conceived underwater all by myself, this baby that I will have to push out into the cool spring world, in the dark hours of my solitary existence.