prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2004-03-17 - 6:53 p.m.
I am leaving greenwich again, my life cycles in familiar endings. I have to say goodbye once again, to this town, that I have dwelled in for longer than any other. This place, now sacred ground
where my baby was conceived. I carry her with me everywhere. This weekend, she went with me, to a resort casino in connecticut. I was there, to help at a conference. The old me, would have been up all night at the roulette table, placing 50$ bets and sipping stoli and cranberry.
The new me. is a mother now. even though the baby isn't even here yet, she makes her presence known. I had to go to bed early and forsake all the sin and excess of the casino's. the old me was spontaneous and fun. The old me, is the reason why I have to be the new me.
and when I lay down. at night. the baby wakes up. She thinks that it is playtime. She starts by pushing against my skin, ramming me with her head.When she tires of that game, she opens and closes her fingers, and knocks at the edges of my stomach. I can see the shape of her pushing against me, sometimes.
When I lay on my back, it is hard to breathe, because my uterus is pushing against my diaphragm.
I have to breather deeper and longer now. and I am anemic, because of all the increased blood volume, so I have to take iron supplements. And I have pelvic pressure when I walk, because my pelvic bones are softening.they have to stretch and get ready to allow her passage into this world
and all day I have been having slight contractions. It is just natures way of practicing for the inevitable.
and I am still scared. She feels so big. suddenly. and I feel so small. inside. even though I am huge with life. on the outside.
I want to keep her. inside of me. I know that that makes no sense. I am afraid of letting go. I am afraid of losing her. when she is born. and I don't know why.
When I came to this town, 7 years ago, I was a totally different person. I have lost my youth and innoncence and charisma, and sadly I have lost most of my friends, and connections with people.
I am so used to being alone. that suddenly having this baby inside me, reminds me all the time. that I am NOT so alone.
soon, I
will have to share her with the world. from her cooing vista in her pram. and then,
inevitably, in time,
I will have to walk her to her first day of school
and then
someday I will wait up all night, when she is out with friends. and one day. she will spread her wings. and
leave me. too.
and then I bet it will be hard for me, to breathe. too.
I hope that I do not burden her with my need to love her so much.
She is suddenly everything that I have lost. She is young and beautiful and full of innocence and wonder.
and I struggle with the notion that something so magical and bright could come from me.
I do not deserve her. I know that much to be true.
but I am taking her with me. When we leave greenwich. past her history. past the poetry of her very existance. Greenwich is in her blood. Beauty is in her soul. and she is coming with me, back to the ordinariness of Syracuse. Where the life I build for her. is less than grand. but it is real.
and I am free to breathe. deeply, but not all on my own.
P.S. I made a kind,insightful new friend
this weekend. even though I am just a ghost. I am pretty sure that he saw me. glimpsed through water. but nevertheless. someone saw me. and held me accountable for my existence. for that, I thank him~
old starlight - new starbright
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