she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

blustarswendy3

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2004-03-25 - 7:04 p.m.

I am back in syracuse, back in the greyness of our winterspring, and suddenly I notice dirt everywhere. I have been manically cleaning. No matter how hard I scrub the baseboards,or polish the banister I am fighting an uphill battle of dust and grime. I wash the walls, and the windows are still dirty. I organize the fridge, but the caulking in the shower has mildew.

Cleaning the house has become my Mt.Everest. I never realized how every surface of my life was coated with cat hair.

My sister warned me about this. It is called nesting. It means, I am as primal as the animals who build nests in the wilderness to birth their young.

The baby is coming soon.

and I am frightened out of my mind.

All of her little clothes, and belongings, and tiny shoes and ribbons, and accessories are in place. I have stockpiles of diapers and wipes and lavender scented baby bath.

but, still I am not emotionally ready.

Not ready to share her with the world.

but then nature is wiser than me. Because I am suddenly very uncomfortably pregnant. So big, that I now have to grunt when getting up from a chair, or move very slowly when getting into a low car. My pelvic floor is spreading, to make room for the baby's head... and it is very tender and sore. When I lay on my back for too long, I have trouble getting enough breath, and if I sneeze or cough, the baby is propelled forward and it is painful.

and yet.

I love love love love having her all to myself, this secret of beauty inside. The magicalness of christmas eve, the anticipation of something so precious and wonderful, the ceaselessly wondering, what she looks like, the tapping of her tiny fingers against my skin. The fluidity of our lives joined by one cord. My heart connected to hers, my voice like the sun on the far edges of her water wonder world.

Perhaps

I want her all to myself. because I have never been able to hold onto anything that I have ever truly loved.

She is the only thing beautiful and real in my life.

and deep down inside, I feel so unworthy of her.

I have less than 6 weeks to go.

Soon the daffodils will be in bloom.

They are giving me a sonogram to check on the baby's position and presentation in a week. If she is still head up, it is very likely that I will have to have a c-section.

and then, she will be born to this world. and I will be someone's mother.

a mother.

none of this feels real.

but this is somehow my life.

and even though every move i make is so ordinary,

everything about this baby feels so extraordinary to me, how can I not be hopelessly in love with the very idea of her?

old starlight - new starbright

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