prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2004-04-11 - 11:58 a.m.

There are so many things about having this baby that I worry about. It just makes me feel so vulnerable, to have something so tiny and precious that is totally dependent on me for everything, when sometimes I don't even feel like I can depend on myself. I also worry about the need to make her my total source of happiness, because she is the only true and real thing in my life. and how fair can it be to place that burden upon someone so new to this world?

Also, I worry about the truths of our lives. So many things I want her to know, and so many things that I don't. I feel the need to protect her from everything, even the truth of her beginnings

Like, how when I first found out that I was pregnant, that I spent 2 days laying in my bed, crying and making myself sick. But, It was never because I didn't want the baby, it was because I was so afraid that I would not be able to provide her with all of the things that she so richly deserves.

Or how, when I finally told my *very* catholic mother, she was horrified and called me several cruel names and made a tough situation even harder, and yet, it took her about a week to come around, and now, she couldn't be more excited about the baby. although, she is still ashamed. and from day one, all she kept saying, was "how am I going to tell my friends?"

and so she didn't.

She told noone.

not even my younger siblings who are in high school. because. she sits in judgement of people " like me" and would never want anyone to know that her daughter was capable of such a thing. and she also told me, that I am not allowed to place a birth announcement in the paper. and yet, strangely, she is suddenly very excited about the baby. We still haven't told the younger siblings. She is raising them very homeschooled/ simple life.

I don't care when and how or who she tells or doesn't tell.

I am just glad that she seems to have come to her own terms with it, and I want the baby to know, that in the end, her grandmother, couldn't wait to see her face and my father was always very happy for me, regardless of everything and is just as excited as my mother is.

But nothing about this baby was easy. I lost friends, in the politics of jealousy and judgement. I can count on one hand the number of people who have remained in our life. and I guess it takes something like this, to show you who your real friends are.

But I want the baby to know. that even though her father treated me with cruel indifference, in the end, I choose to remember him differently for her sake. I choose to remember him, how he used to be, when he brushed tears from my eyes, and flashed me his dimpled mischievous grin. and strangely enough, the more she grows inside me, the more tenderness I feel towards his memory. I thank him every day, in my thoughts and hope that someday he finds peace enough to no longer hate me for choosing to honour the beauty of life.

and I also want her to know, that even though I had 7 months of extreme nausea, and sleeplessness, every single minute of this has been a gift. Something that I never thought I would ever have, something magical and precious has fallen into my life, and though the emotional and financial cost has been tremendous, she has been more than worth it.

and even though, noone else has felt her placed there hand on my stomach and felt her kick, or expressed wonder at her sonogram images, or accompanied me to dr's appointments, nothing can take away the magicalness of it all. She is the most exquisite thing that I have ever done.

So many blessings appear in the most unusal forms. When I was down to my literal last few pennies, Something small and unexpected always seemed to surface, which enabled me, just enough to somehow survive.

I have enough money saved, from the 12 weeks I spent working in CT, to get me through the summer.

and everything else. I have to surrender. into the universe.

and let go, of all my worries and fears. and just have faith that somehow it will all work out,

because. my little *mountain stream star*,

Miss *Sierra Brooke Estrella*,

is about to make her entry into this sunbursting tulip covered bird chirping rain drizzling new eggs hatching fuzzy bunnies hopping green grass growing jasmine and hyacinth and forsythias bursting mad spring world.

and I dream of her face so much that it is imprinted upon me.

and when I hold her for the first time. Nothing else will have mattered.

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