she dreamed the same dream night after night~We are an orchestra of one, we are a majesty unveiling, we are newly born lovers, christening one another with mouths and hands and seeking tongues. We are everything and nothing~ Night is falling. night is falling. and I am drowning. in your arms. I am safe again. I am safe again. You surface me, and cling to me, night is falling and I am in my place again. above you, beneath you, wherever it pleases you so... oh my love, I am home again. My heart has been reborn again. the night is falling. and so am I . Falling for you ( into you, above you, through you). night is falling. night is falling. and so am i. so am i. always for you. for you.

blustarswendy3

~random vintage wendchymes~

prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08

2004-04-14 - 8:13 p.m.

The dr literally told me that I could have this baby anytime now.

You have no idea what a sense of

!freaked out ness! this has instilled in me.

I went to the mall yesterday and walked a bit, but it wasn't comfortable. It was so the opposite of comfortable. I had that ridiculous waddle that I was so determined not to have. But apparently, you can't avoid it, it is all the fluid retention and the loosening of all your cartilage, to enable the baby to pass through your pelvis safely. And my long black coat won't button anymore. My stomach pushes out into the world, long before i turn the corner. so i can't have that cool, calm ,collected look of disinterest, as I enter an upscale store, like I belong there. Instead, everyone can tell that I am huge. with child. and uncomfortable.

and all i could think, was please god, don't let my water break. here. in snooty overpriced snob store. because, that would just be so undignifying.

thankfully my body cooperated, but to be on the safe side, after a few mild contractions from walking around to much, I waddled back to my car, and drove home to the safety of my house. where I can break my water, without to much humiliation, if need be

but even so, you can have no dignity in pregnancy and childbirth anyway.

I am used to strangers in white coats, poking and prodding me, in places that i do not want to be poked and prodded in, especially in broad daylight and without candles and wine and great music.

I am used to handing over urine samples and offering the creamy white inside of my arm, for yet another round of blood tests, and you do not even want to know, where they swab you for some of the other tests.

but, thank god, thank god thank god.

The baby is healthy. Somehow,we have passed every test with flying colours. I do not want to breathe a sigh of relief until she is safely here, but I feel so blessed already. I would do anything to keep her safe.

Most women, at this late stage of pregnancy would do anything to get it over with. They all want to go into labor, and have the baby already, because they are so uncomfortable.

But me, I hate letting go of her. I accept that I have to get up 4 times a night to use the bathroom, and rolling over in bed, takes great effort, and that I can't be on my feet for hours on end...and my nose is constantly congested because of the increased blood flow, and that I have to eat 8 times a day because my stomach is squished up into my ribs, and that I have trouble breathing because my lungs are pressed into my diaphragm, and that I have to walk slowly, and getting up from a chair requires tremendous effort, and I get painful leg cramps at night, and massive neurotic insomnia where I tell myself over and over, that I can't do this because I am not strong enough and that sierra deserves better than me...

and then, she kicks me, and stretches out... like a sleepy kitten, and rolls around, until she finds her comfortable spot.

and then she has the hiccups. and I talk to her.

as she jumps and jumps.. against my flesh, and in the soft quiet darkness, i can see my stomach twitching by moonlight, the arc of the great white belly stretched tight like a canvas.

and she is my masterpiece.

she is my beauty. my starry starry night.

painting my world once so dark, luminous and majestic and overflowing with so much of her haloed light.

old starlight - new starbright

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