prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2004-08-20 - 10:12 p.m.
Sierra is a giant happy baby! She is almost 4 months and weighs close to 17 lbs, and is reaching maximum capacity around her buddha belly.
She is such a source of tremendous joy in my life. I can't even describe what it is like, to love this much.
I cherish our mornings, spent together. In the sleepy grey haze of early morn, in our feathery lilac nest, she begins to stir in her sleep, making little grunting sounds, and as she begins to open her eyes, she whimpers and groans,and cries out a little until. she hears my voice. Then, she opens her fluttering lavenderblueearlgreytigerbrown eyes, and looks directly at me, and SMILES the biggest smile, I have ever seen. She literally has seized my heart with an unrelenting force and I am utterly besotted.
and in this one fleeting moment of time. I can feel the suddenness of lingering sense of happiness permeating my formerly vacant and desolate self.
For so long I was caged. Living someone else's life. Inside a gilded world. a reality that had nothing to do with my mere shadowed existence.
but now. this is my life. This is my real. I finally feel like a grown up. this is my happy! this is my everything. this is what i was waiting for my whole life!
when I think about the girl that I was, when I began this diary. I have little in common with her now.
I could care less about my gucci purses and Chanel Sunglasses, and chasing cosmopolitans with married wallstreetboys until the last train left grandcentral station.
Now my life is about holding my baby. every second of the day. feeling her sweet breath exhaling against my skin, trying desperately to hold onto the helium sound of her laughter and framing the memories of her innocence, as she softly falls asleep clutching my finger.
I wasted so much time loving the wrong people.
at last, I finally found someone. worth. loving. this much. and if I could send a letter to the girl, I used to be. I think it would say.
Dear longagoWendy,
Fear not. the boy who sees inside your lonliness. will cure. it all. everything starts with just one kiss. in silhouette. remember the sound of the rain. and the taste of skin. the beauty of an accidental gift well received. she has his eyes. and she will give you back. your heart.
and so you won't be lonely evermore. I promise you. this is your happy. your always and forever. please believe me. so take the call. and never look back.
love, wendynow
old starlight - new starbright
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