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prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2005-10-28 - 1:55 p.m.
I am really looking forward to Halloween this year, as Sierra seems to be very excited about all of the holiday decorations, and has been practicing saying "Trick or Treat!". I can't wait to see her expression when she realizes that people are actually going to just GIVE HER CANDY! Even at 18 months old, she values candy, knows that it is a forbidden sweet nectar, that she is rarely ever allowed to have,but for some reason, she always points it out to me, whenever she sees it in the store... and has an instictive ability to suss out any covert secret candy consumption that I might vainly try to conceal as I cram/choke upon the chocolaty creamy peanut buttery evidence in some sort of lame attempt to hide it from her, but she ALWAYS finds me out... I can never get away with anything...it's like she is MY mother or something, well actually a psychic I recently met, informed me that Sierra had been my mother in a former life..., but that she had not been able to take as good a care of me, as she would have liked... hmm, weird. and then the psychic went on to say that Sierra thinks I am doing a great job and that I am much better at this mother thing than she was...
and Oh, but I do, love this mother thing, even though there is no ~linger~, in my day, never a second, a moment to linger, to linger in bed, linger in the bath or shower ( or even to brush my own teeth), linger over a glass of wine, linger over a conversation on the phone, linger in a memory,
from the moment I open my eyes, at dawns earliest light to the minute I shut them, at the close of an ever increasing earlier and earlier mid night, I am busy.
Busy, taking care. of her. of me, of everyone.
But you know what I love, more than anything. that moment. when sierra needs me, that moment when she comes running to me. to make her feel safe.
For so long, I was loooking all around, for someone to be my safe place to run too, foraging around for love, for someone to protect me, all through my twenties, I ran so far, for so long... kept on running, into my thirties, all out of breath, in a total panic, that time was running out...
but, the moment, I stopped. the moment I stood still. Love found me, and made me strong. Now I am someone elses home.
Someone's safe place to be.
Loving sierra. giving birth to her. taking care of her. has made me so much stronger. I know longer need everyone's approval, I can say no. I can say, I deserve better. I don't need to hide behind my demure sweet smile. because now I have somehting worth fighting for.
If you knew me before. and you hurt. me. I let you get away with it. I made excuses for you. because I didn't assign myself any self worth.
NOT ANY MORE!
I finally hold value. in someone's eyes. and to one tiny person I am the whole world.
and she.
she.
is mine.
happy trick and treating.
old starlight - new starbright
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