prayerful of dreams - 2008-06-28
preschool princess - 2008-06-16
life with my sweetheart - 2008-04-29
the fast approach of four - 2008-04-12
lighting up my own life - 2008-03-08
2006-06-04 - 9:54 p.m.
Sierra is so grown up in so many ways. She is asserting her independance, but always within reach. of her MOM- meeeeee. of me!!! I still have moments of astonishment, when I realize, it is not all just the haze of a spinstery dream, and that I am indeed, Sierra's MOM- meee..
but her independence is allowing us both a tiny breath of freedom. I am emerging from the cocoon, of 24 hour a day, full emersion/ all consuming mother-hood, underscore, SINGLE MOTHER HOOD, where there are no breaks, no one else to change a diaper or put her to sleep.. and though i love LOVE LOVE every minute spent with her, and crave the feel of her warm little melded body in my arms, holing her little hand, her chubby fingers entwined with mine, whilst stroking her hair until she falls asleep, and then watching her beautiful sleeping form, long after she has falling into the most peaceful slumber..
I am starting to remember. that I am a whole other person. other. than SIERRA's umbilical corded carrier...
and I am emerging a tiny- tiny bit... surfacing ( for the second time, the first time i surfaced... was just before I became pregnant)
and I feel more confident, more alive, more worthy, more valued, more deserving...
and less like a door mat. I am proud of who I am. confident, in the kind of mother I am ( devoted, loving,compassionate, fierce! ) and I know, that I can not and WILL NOT allow any man.
to make me feel like less of a person. I would much rather be alone. ( do you hear that god, I would rather BE ALONE! than settle for a fool)
I have always had the need to caretake, and nurture. the go to. person. for everything. the girl, who always said yes ( even when I wanted to say no. NO! FUCK NO!)
but now i am the caretaker, the gate keeper, the guardian, of the most precious jewel.
and sierra comes first. and she always always always will
always.
and so, it is that i have have put you to flames. surrendered the longing. of my unbidden past. though the future itself remains entirely unwritten. i feel better in knowing, how much better off.. we are without you. how undeserving you are. how foolish and stupid you were. to let me go.
because. in another world. one without all the demons and temptations that you will always fall victim too... well. in another time, another life. perhaps. we could have been happy.
but. I . have found a whole new kinda happy. without you
and for once, I can finally imagine. living the rest of my life. without ever hearing the sound of your voice. again.
and i can close my eyes. and finally believe myself. when i say it really IS going to be ok.
because. SIERRA is everything. so much more. than the crumbs of nothing.ness that you ever were.
old starlight - new starbright
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